The Kids Thread

The Sandbox General
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Coming back to this, I don’t think she has a real interest in sports. She mentions it in passing, but then when I take her outside, she’ll do whatever (running, climbing, throwing, dancing, fighting, etc.) for about 5 minutes and then sit down and play pretend. I also think the other kids would mock her and exclude her, and I think she already has it kind of tough.

She’s not really good at anything. She’s smart, but the teachers don’t really care about that. And being up a grade makes her more of an outcast among her peers. Probably the best thing she has going for her is that she’s cute. We stay on the playground after school, and she has two pretend moms that take care of her.

She got into a free G&T program for the Summer, which is nice. It’s weirdly long-- and will swallow her whole Summer. I thought about rejecting it and just going on a long vacation, but I feel like she ought to have a “good” school experience.

Right now, I mostly let her play video games and watch TV. Since it’s lower stress. I wish she could enjoy academics in the same way that athletes enjoy sports. Doesn’t seem to be likely though, at least not anytime soon.

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If I recall correctly, your daughter is about 5. At that age, keeping on task for more than five minutes would be a surprise. The good coaches for that age know this and design drills that keep things moving and changing. All the drills I run for that age group are really just organized chaos. I won’t sugar coat it, she might get mocked, my daughter certainly was. But she also learned to make friends, mostly just through forced exposure. Not lifelong best friends but people she could at least stop and say hi to in the hallway. She was super shy before. Now, well, she gave the parting speech at her high school graduation yesterday, voted in by her teachers and classmates. Those experiences on the softball field led her to find theatre and forensics where she has excelled and blossomed.

As a parent, we always want to protect our children from discomfort and pain. But often times it is discomfort and leads to growth so by trying to protect our children, we hold them back. Don’t let your fears hold your daughter back. I’m not saying they are, only that it is okay to take the risk. She won’t be permanently damaged by one summer of soccer or karate or dance or whatever but she may have a chance to grow.

Finally, you daughter is AWESOME! She is creative, witty, observant, and contemplative. She would 100% fit in with either of my daughter’s friend groups. She might be a little quirky and see the world from a different angle but that should be encouraged as that is what makes her special. As for her teachers, there are 20+ little monsters running around in class with her. Her teachers don’t notice because they are spending their time on the disruptive behaviors. The lack of problems your daughter causes results in their apparent apathy.

Being younger, and probably smaller, then her peers is going to cause issues. I inadvertently insulted a 12yo boy the other day by asking if he was 11. He said no, he was just small for his age. Size matters to kids. However, being involved in other activities with kids her own age might help her develop some confidence which will help with her peers. She’s also a shy 5yo. In second grade, my oldest (see above) wore a star trek dress to school at least once a week and didn’t understand why no one in her class knew who Spock was. They do end up finding their group eventually.

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184

Thanks Snake! It is good to hear some thoughts besides my own grumblings!

She does have trouble staying on task… And that is a little of why she hates school. With sports though I think she just has little interest in moving her own body. I dunno . Obviously she should anyway. And I’d like her to have friends. Can’t do a summer program, but maybe we’ll do an after school program of some sort next year.

I don’t mean to dump on the teachers, I’m just annoyed that my kid is low self esteem, gets bullied, and hates school already. Seems young for that shit.

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After school, she sat under the slide hanging out with her “mother” and friend in the shade. Then she wanted to come and read with me. Instead I made us run around a bit, then left.

On the way home, I asked “what did you guys talk about?”
Her: “Just grown-up conversation.”
Me: “What’s grown-up conversation?”
Her: “I don’t remember.”
Me: “Is it fun to talk about?”
Her: “No, it’s boring.”
Me: “Is it like jokes? Or stories?”
Her: “It’s like…
‘Hey…’
‘Hi…’
‘Do you want to swap a pony for that ball?’
‘No’
‘Do you want to swap a diamond for it?’
‘No.’
‘Do you want this piece of dirt?’
‘No.’
‘Do you want to swap the rubber ball for a piece of dirt’
‘Okay.’
And then they swap the rubber ball for the piece of dirt.”
Me: “Oh, okay, I guess that could be boring. Because you like to do pretends.”
Her: “Yeah.”
Me: “And they aren’t really pretending, they’re just swapping things?.. And the things they swapped are real?”
Her: “Well no, they didn’t swap anything.”
Me: “So they pretended to swap a red rubber ball for a piece of dirt?”
Her: “No, they didn’t do that. They didn’t really do any swapping.”
Me: “What???”
Her: “It was an example…”
Me: “It didn’t happen at all?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Wait, what’s grownup conversation then? What did they talk about…”
Her: It’s like: (In a series of disaffected voices)
‘Hi…’
‘Hello…’
‘Do you want…?’
‘No.’
‘But I…’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Uh huh.’
‘Ehhh…’
‘What about…’
‘I guess…’"
Me: “Oh… So how they talk?”
Her: “Well, not actually…”

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186

^^ That conversation reminded me of many CS’s threads…

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187

OK, not really clear on who these people your child was hanging with. Why did you put mother in quotes? Is that person the mother of your child? And the friend, was it an adult friend of the “mother” person? And the two were beside the slide because it seems unlikely adults were sitting under a slide?

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Sorry, totally unclear. Both are her friends. The “mother” is 3 or 4 years older.

189

Ahh, makes more sense. I was wondering if the conversation was her filter on an adult conversation or not.

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6yo: hey mom, want to talk about something with me?

Me: sure. What do you want to talk about?

6: how’s work going?

Me: it’s going well, thank you for aski…

6: hey mom. Do you know there’s a thing at offices where water comes out and people stand around saying things like “hey bro, did you catch the game last night?”

Me: I think I’ve heard of that…

6: is that what working is?

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191

It’s nice to be able to text my kids. And make them feel embarrassed.

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192

My son likes to create YouTube videos. He has a restricted channel, and rarely actually publishes his videos (he is not a YouTube star in the making or anything).

Last night he asked to upload one of his videos. I said alright, I want to watch it first to make sure it’s ok to upload - doesn’t have anything inappropriate in the background, doesn’t publicize any information about him or us, whatever. He got this very serious look on his face and blurted out that there were two bad words in one of his videos (not even the one he wanted to upload).

So I asked him what words, thinking it was something like “stupid” or “heck”. He said it was the F word. I was certain he couldn’t mean THE F word, because we don’t use that word. But nope, it sure was. He was saying “F you” to characters in the game he was playing.

I was pretty shocked. He is the kid who tells other kids that they shouldn’t say “shut up” and thinks that unkind words are as bad as swearing. He’s the kid who stands up for what he thinks is right and has yet to bow to peer pressure. He seems oblivious to peer pressure.

He plays a lot of personas when he’s using his imagination. When he is pretending to be Sonic as he’s playing, he really puts on the whole act. He will stop and tap his foot and look at his watch, he throws his arms behind him as he runs, he really goes all in. So I have to believe that he was taking on a YouTuber persona here. I don’t know what else to believe.

Now the question is, how is he getting access to these videos? He is supposed to only have access to the kids version of YouTube. And we often can overhear his videos, and check in to see what he is watching, and nothing has ever stood out as being like that. We don’t watch tv with that kind of language in front of him. Anyway, it’s pretty concerning.

He does seem ashamed of the whole thing and is disappointed that now he isn’t a “good role model” for other kids - he puts a lot of pressure on himself, it doesn’t come from us. I tried to reassure him that he is still a very good kid and a great role model, and part of being a kid is doing things that your parents tell you you shouldn’t do again, but he seems to beat himself up anyway. Ugh. Lots of ugh in this whole thing.

My husband thinks this is nothing, but I’m concerned. He knew he did something wrong and came clean when he thought he was for sure going to get caught, and not sooner. I don’t want my son to be a liar simply because it’s the easy path in life. My husband says it’s just part of being a kid. He’s probably right, but ugh. I thought we had a few more years before we had to deal with this stuff; he’s only 7.

193

Seems like a normal teenage playing videos…

SEVEN?!?!?!?!?!?!

You should add a video at the end of him washing his mouth out with soap.
“Except I didn’t say ‘fudge.’”
Or, figure out how to bleep the words. Or both. As Executive Producer, you are responsible for the end product. Yes, both the video and the kid. And take 90% of the revenue for yourself.

194

Perhaps it could be camp/school too? My nephew is nearly that age and embarrassed my sister a couple times at family events with some choice words…

I wouldn’t take too much away from the single occurrence, particularly when he’s showing remorse. A good learning experience, but certainly important that he knows it’s something to learn from.

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Darnit, Dan!! :crazy_face:

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Did you watch the videos?

I haven’t deal with kids youtube or anything like that… But the internet is difficult to police. Different browsers, different sites, different hacks. Or maybe he has access to some other phone or computer, through school or a friend. If he plays any kind of online game, he might regularly experience much worse language-- more vulgar and more cruel. Internet toxicity is really awful. Of course there’s also lots of porn and other stuff. Or it might just be stuff his friends say, which might be fine, assuming his friends aren’t total assholes.

My 6 year old has also dropped the f-bomb before. She learned it when she was 3? I think, from relatives and her mother. And understood immediately that it was not okay. But just recently she used it twice. Once casually, probably from hearing it a bunch at school. And another time as a joke, “…And I think to myself, what a wonderful f***ing world.” We punished her lightly in both cases.

My kid is also starting to experiment with telling small lies. Things like misleading us about what she has eaten or watched or read. And I don’t know what to do. Fundamentally she (like anyone) is going to realize that being honest and forthright is disadvantageous. I guess we can always punish her a lot more for lying? It’s frustrating. I’m an overly honest person, but I don’t think? anyone did anything special to make me so. I guess i could ask my own mom.

Anyway, I’d be less worried about your kids language, and more about the life they live that you don’t have access to. Which I guess you are.

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197

I’ve found this with my 6 year old. I think it’s challenging… we’re basically much more strict if the situation involved any lying and emphasize we’ll be more lax if she’s forthcoming and honest…

I’ve also tried it with things like she wants to watch a little extra TV when I come to put her down for bed so then we make an agreement that she comes to get me when the clock says xyz and so we get to practice building trust, etc.

198

Your kid is extremely bright, so maybe a discussion about things like: What are lies? Why are you lying? The difference between lying and make-believe. Consequences of lying.
I’d be quite interested in what she has to say.

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199

I don’t think punishing her solves anything. That’s not smart parenting. If you punish her you have to let her know that you figured it out because of all the evidence that she left behind. That doesn’t teach her not to lie. That teaches her to hide evidence the next time that she wants to lie.

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By that logic would making it as easy as possible to lie make her less inclined to do it?

Not punishing (or more loosely parenting) her isn’t a great choice, imo, if you want the take away to be to change her behavior. It just needs to be a little more nuanced than punishment for whacking someone on the head, i.e. this punishment is harsher because a lie was involved, if in future you have an issue where you would be punished but you’re forthcoming and don’t lie you won’t get punished for the thing you’re being forthcoming about.

Similar thing comes about when they’re teenagers and underage drinking… will they trust they can call and ask for help? If they think being honest will still get them in trouble they won’t call and worse stuff than underage drinking might happen.

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My response was a bit from comedian Andy Woodhull.