Wish granted. You’re now a six inch pink hot dog simmering in a boiling pot of hot water. You will be eaten shortly with some ketchup, mustard, and relish on top of a potato roll. Your family cries every time they attend a dollar dog night at Wrigley Field.
I wish my toddler would stop disrupting my sleep
Granted. Your toddler is now 5 and sleeps through the night just fine.
You wife also just gave birth last week to triplets, colicky triplets.
Wish granted. You forgot to wish for something, which has been interpreted as wishing for nothing. So all your assets have been seized and given to someone you don’t like.
I wish dogs could pick up their own poop.
Granted. They eat it right before giving you big kisses in which their tongue goes in your mouth.
I wish someone gave me proper kudos for reviving this thread.
Joke’s on you, 'cause they already try to do that. 
Granted. Its an old stale box from when they used to make them
I wish my internet and Tv were fixed now without having to wait around for a service call
Granted. But you have to live with a Q-er who holds up a 5G sign and says in AOL voice “You’ve Got Cancer” every 5 minutes until the next service call, whatever room you’re in.
I wish I could see without glasses, but also without contacts or surgery.
Granted. You see everything badly out of focus and the black spot in the middle is concerning.
I wish I hadn’t lost my resume file with my last computer.
Wish granted. You found a crumpled up copy of your resume in a box your ex-wife threw to the curb. Unfortunately the crumples make it impossible to scan into your computer. You waste an hour getting the format just right again.
I wish my company would implement a 4 day work week
Granted. You now work 4 20 hour days every week (no vacations), but at least the pay is the same.
I wish I slept better.
Granted. You get the equivalent of a perfect 8 hours every night, regardless of how many hours you actually slept. But you piss yourself during that sleep, and once a week it chafes really bad for a day. Like, REALLY bad.
I wish I could find the perfect coffee that tastes awesome black but isn’t too pricey.
Granted. But the 2nd cup you have is so hot it scalds all your taste buds and now you can’t taste anything.
I wish HR was better at their job.
Tangent: if you have a Sprouts nearby, I am a fan of their bulk coffees. They have a large variety of beans from different origins with multiple roast styles. Prices are pretty good, and often go on sale.
Wish granted. Your HR department now excels - at giving everyone pink slips. PS - you should have asked for something easier, like world peace. If I was a genie that would use up all three wishes!
I wish comeuppance on some old bosses.
Granted. They all come up on you. At once. From behind. In that way.
I wish people in my town weren’t all weird af.
Granted. Instead of being weird af, your town is now populated by accordion-wielding clones of Weird Al. One letter’s improvement is sufficient, no?
I wish I had a few more hours in the day.
Granted. The earth now turns once every 72 hours. This causes all human life of earth to end in 5 years.
I wish I won the mega millions jackpot.
You won, but lost the ticket before cashing it in.
I wish for world peace
Wish granted. They are assassinated during their inauguration party, Donald Trump was their VP to secure the boomer vote.
I wish my in-laws had central air
