The opinion of any person who is being victimized matters significantly.
You’re speaking about how you would feel in that situation, as if it would be an appealing situation to be in. As a woman who knows many other women and men who HAVE been in that situation and all of us (limited sample size, keep in mind) found it threatening and unpleasant, your privilege seemed to be showing when speaking about how it would feel.
However, your experiences and opinions are obviously your own, and any attempts to highlight that they might differ from those who have experienced it is only an effort to educate, not demean. Perhaps you would find that kind of situation empowering, who knows. Most don’t.
In my experience both men and women will treat their partner as an object to satisfy their ego rather than as a person. (And i’m going to restrict myself to cis hetero relationships.)
But somehow women tend to control more passively aggressively. They demand the man give without giving back.
Men are more likely to overtly control. They simply take.
For this reason I think men are more likely to abuse power by hitting on subordinates. It fits well with the narrative of the man as the conqueror in the relationship.
I think it also maybe makes it harder for a man to imagine being hit on inappropriately by a superior. When women control, they tend to do so using soft power, while reporting relationships are more hard/formal power based.
also, I want to clarify that you are being hit on by a superior but not someone you report to directly. Being hit on by someone you have to see everyday is a totally different story
A little off topic, but: I don’t know how many women victimize male subordinates like that, but I imagine it’s viewed similarly to a woman teacher with a high school student vs. a man teacher. Most people can see the slimy ick factor when it’s a man, but not as much when it’s a woman. We give men a right to own their sexual choices but treat women as though they’re incapable. The truth is that we need to treat victims as victims regardless of the gender roles. Women can be predators, men can be victims, and all of it should be taken seriously.
Unfortunately I don’t know HOW seriously we treat either one, although I think it’s shifting. There’s this mentality that “boys will be boys” and what can ya do? Meanwhile women are held to puritanical standards, but if a man is hit on by his female boss, he’s “lucky” and not a victim of sexual harassment. She’s still a slut, of course…
I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I am passionate about the subject. My examples are hetero in nature because that’s been where most of the media focus is, but these dynamics apply regardless of orientation and identity and I am sure those situations are reported even less often.
I think that for various reasons that begin with physical size and strength, power differences in relationships tend to favor men. This can make it harder to recognize those situations where the women really do have a lot more power, such as a female teacher sleeping with students.
I have been unwantedly hit on lots of times, and it’s usually a complete non-issue, or at worst a little uncomfortable. And yet, being hit on by a superior left me shaken and in tears, and ultimately hurt my career.
And I think the vast majority of women would understand that, but I observe that a large minority of men (maybe even a small majority) don’t.
That you DIDN’T get that made it incredibly likely that you are male.
If there’s some story about a person being pulled over for being Black, I’d expect more Black people to understand the dynamics, and more white people to miss the point.
As NertAlert says, privilege isn’t binary, or ranked. Most everyone has privilege in some areas and not in other areas. You were displaying male privilege.
Every so often a guy is sexually harassed by his female work superior, and then he gets the double whammy that he suffers the harassment AND ALSO a lot of his male friends don’t take it seriously. I’m not suggesting it’s okay for women to hit on their underlings. I’m just suggesting that you are clueless about this because you are a guy.
no, you are suggesting that I don’t know how it feels to be marginalized and that I don’t know how it feels to be made ashamed for who I am when in fact you were the one afforded with the privilege of being the correct color in this country
No one is trying to take away your experiences as a POC. I have no idea what it is like to live as anything but incredibly protected by my whiteness. And nothing Lucy said indicated anything about your experiences there. It seems like this is a sensitive subject for you, and justifiably so.
I’ve learned as a white person to shut up and listen to the experiences of people who speak up about what it’s like to not be white. That was a hard pill to swallow, as someone who likes to have all the answers. Because when it comes to the experiences of POC, I simply can’t relate. So I really don’t try to, especially when someone else in the room can speak to those experiences personally. It’s not my platform, not my story, not something I can do justice to.
There are some men who can relate to my experiences as a woman, but from your own admission, you aren’t one of them. Respectfully, on this topic, maybe take a seat and listen to our experiences instead of trying to mansplain it to us. You probably mean well, and I appreciate that, but it’s something you don’t seem to be able to understand. And I’m glad for that, because I don’t wish the experience on anyone.
Being hit on by a superior at work is absolutely nothing like being hit on at a bar, cat called by a stranger, approached for your phone number when you’re with your significant other. Nothing even remotely close. I hope you never have to bear witness to that.
this sounded so strange to me and now I know why. Being a male POC does not mean you receive any privilege for being male. In fact, being male is a liability for a POC. So don’t assume you know what it feels like to be a male POC
yeah. When Lucy talked “down” to me for being male, it brought up all those emotions of being talked down to by white people. There’s nothing I can do about the color of my skin, and there’s nothing I can do about my gender. Like I said, being a male for a POC is not a privilege
to elaborate (and educate), as a male POC, you are not welcome in any old boys club (unless you’re a famous athlete). White males view you as “the enemy”. White females view you as undesirable. It’s really a liability, and much more so if you are a black male. Theres no privilege here
Our fraternity adviser had a rather crass saying to remind a bunch of young college guys of this point. He said you can build bridges across the widest rivers, you can sell more than anyone has ever sold, you can win every championship, but if you f*** one goat what are you? A goatf***er.
It’s inappropriate to hit on people that report to you. It just is. If the subordinate hits on you and you want to pursue the relationship that’s fine, but both of you need to work to shift one or the other person’s career so that the boss-employee dynamic is not part of the relationship. The main reason being to protect the both of you, but it is also helpful for the team around you as well. Trust me they are watching and it makes things awkward.