I just stumbled on this for the first time ever. I’ll read beyond the first couple later, but congrats @now_samantha . Had no idea you were trans.
lol, I find this amusing b/c I feel like half of my posts are bitching about anti-trans laws.
As a cis person I tend toward using "they’ in areas where I am uncertain, especially if I have any concerns that the person may be offended. (e.g. I’ve known at least one cis woman who looks considerably manly by no fault of their own and could easily be mistaken as trans.)
My attitude was “I don’t mind being called they, because they is a gender-ambivalent term. It’s not always the most accurate but is never incorrect. Therefore I can use they for any person of any gender if I’m unclear.”
Point taken into consideration.
I guess I wasn’t clear. Her objection wasn’t to people using ‘they’, it was to people not using any pronouns whatsoever out of fear of making a mistake.
On a similar note, my ex-wife has managed in 6 months of coparenting session to only once ever refer to me either by name or with a pronoun. It’s really weird and has led to confusion a few times.
Big life upgrade: Came out to my kids on Friday. My oldest had actually had a lesson in school that day about what it means to be trans, which was a nice coincidence. None of them are phased at all, the girls really want to do my makeup at some point this week (it’s a school vacation week, and they are spending it with me). Still some adjustment about trying to figure out what they want to call me (Moppa seems to be leading, Dad is still being used a bunch) but all in all we’re just having fun doing our usual things.
I figured with all your changes that your kids already knew.
Trying to find a mutually agreeable setting in which to tell them has been a pain. And most changes have been concealable. E.g., my breasts are small enough that they can be hidden, facial hair reduction can be assumed to just be shaving more often, body hair isn’t normally seen, voice changes are purely voluntary.
Oh, I understand better now. I thought you were saying that using “they” rather than asking and then using “she” was “non-gendering” her by denying her femininity.
Because I default to “they” in a lot of cases. For example I act in a theater company where I’m aware probably 1/3-1/2 of the people are queer in some fashion. Usually until I know somebody’s pronouns (or are pretty sure via others talking, etc.) I will just use “they” for everybody. Several people there are nonbinary and prefer it anyway.
FWIW I can relate to avoiding pronouns altogether. It’s often not clear from looking at someone and even if it is, you can still get it wrong. I didn’t realize that would also be as hurtful though.
I often avoid pronouns, because I get them wrong a lot. Even with people I know well. Change is hard. I mess up names, too. (And not just of people who have changed their name. I was at a group dimsum a couple of weeks ago, and I was trying to get one guy’s attention, thinking I was calling his name, until his friend pointed out I was calling the friend’s name. 
)
Avoiding both your name and your pronouns in a group session for six months is really weird, though, and sounds like a form of hostility. I mean, I’m really bad with names. But when I’m sure I have the right name, I make a point of trying to use it, to force myself to practice thinking it.
I’ve become one of those people who keeps saying the person’s name back to them when I first meet them otherwise it goes poof the instant I turn around and say, hang on what was their name again?
Unless the person is wearing a name tag and i can get that visual image in my head, the name is gone before they’ve even finished saying it.
You’re supposed to imagine it written out on their forehead!!
Nvm
My eyes are up here!!
I’m forgetful. So I forget people’s names. Not just passing acquaintances, but peoples whose names I “should know”-- people I see often and actually care about. You might think it’s impossible, but it’s pretty easy, like losing your passport while traveling in a dangerous country.
One way of coping is that I never use names. I never say “hello ____” or “goodbye ____”, and regularly refer to people as “your brother” or “our friends” or whatever. And I avoid topics if it requires remembering a name that I should know. It’s generally easier that way.
I assume of course your ex-wife has her own motivation. But yeah, “I’m just going to say nothing” is a convenient solution.
The Mopppppppaaaaaaaa, the Moppa!
Random question and I understand @now_samantha isn’t the ultimate authority on all things trans.
Transmasc/transfem as I understand it is basically “gender other than your born sex and leaning toward this direction” while not necessarily being fully that gender?
So one could be an AFAB nonbinary transmasc because you primarily dress and act masculine, but you also have feminine parts of your self-expression and don’t consider yourself a man. Whereas a trans man is also transmasc, but completely male as opposed to leaning toward such.
(Acknowledging trans people tend to have less rigidly defined gender roles and a fully trans male might still wear a skirt because fuck society)
I think I’d mostly agree, but to quibble add in the distinction between gender identity and gender presentation. Trans means gender identity <> AGAB, so transmasc is typically AFAB but gender identity is at least partially masculine.
The nit is that that doesn’t necessarily mean that gender presentation leans masculine. E.g., I know transfemme enbies who wear male clothing, have masculine voices, and masculine to androgynous haircuts. But their internal gender identity is non-masculine, hence non-binary. And not that it matters, but the people I’m thinking of all are on HRT.
It’s also the case that labels are over rated, and that for some people, their gender is complicated for them to figure out. Some people initially think that they are binary trans, and then decide that non-binary describes them better, while there are also people who think that they are non-binary and then later become more comfortable as binary trans.