Samantha's ramblings

I literally had an orchi 18 months before my GCS because the peeing was so constant for me. Like I was waking up 2-3 times a night every night, and I couldn’t bear to think about living like that for another 2 years or so.

I imagine that works pretty well too reduce the testosterone floating around in your system.

I was building out a conference at Uwaterloo (home to a lot of actsci folks) just prior to covid. When I asked about non-gender specific washrooms at the conference center, I got directions to some other building halfway across campus.

They’re now rebranding some of the washrooms as non-gender specific; supposed to be one in every building. So now folks won’t have to run halfway across campus to take a leak. So, that’s good.

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Google labels its restrooms as unisex or gender-specific. (They may not use those words, i forget) but they had a room of unisex restrooms on every floor. Instead of the standard American stalls that leave gaps all over the place, they have European-style stalls that provide good visual privacy. So you only see that both men and women are using the facility at the sinks.

(I didn’t check out their gender-specific rest rooms when i visited. I only had to use the toilet once. My best guess is they are identical except for the sign in the door.)

I rewatched the Matrix again last weekend, shortly after reading an interview with Lilly Wachowski about the ways in which it was intended as a trans allegory. For those of you less obsessed with the Wachowskis, Lana is slightly older and transitioned first, although it isn’t clear when she started her transition. Both sisters have tried to keep their personal lives private, and have indicated that Lilly hadn’t yet realized she was trans when they wrote the movie but both have avoided that same question about Lana. Apparently in the first draft, Switch was a woman in the matrix and a man in the real world, or vice-versa (I don’t remember which). They thought that might be a bit too on the nose for the studio and backed off of it in the 2nd draft.

So much of the movie hits differently now. The way Keanu Reeves responds every time Agent Smith deadnames him is subtle but really well done. Morpheus’s speech before introducing the pills, talking about how you always felt that there was something wrong with the world made me cry.

One of my plans for the weekend is to rewatch the sequels, and then watch a 90+ minute video made by 2 trans women defending the sequels and talking about what the movies mean to them.

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My boobs hurt. I know this is a good thing, but not enjoying the sensation right now.

Got my 3-month bloodwork done yesterday. Estrogen and Testosterone levels are now firmly not in the male range, but not yet in the female range either. This was expected, and metabolic levels are all good, so will be adjusting doses next week, but I was still hoping for a little bit better numbers. I also know someone who just got her 3 month bloodwork back and her levels are good.

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A post was merged into an existing topic: Anti transgender legislative tracker

6 month bloodwork came back. Metabolic stuff still looks perfect – not surprising given form of meds that I’m taking but good news nonetheless.

I was expecting hormone levels to still be off and need some more tweaking. Have plenty of room on dosages to take care of that, so it isn’t at all a problem for things to still be off. And indeed, testosterone is still too high, estrogen still too low, both way closer than 3 months ago. Intellectually I understand that this is exactly what was to be expected, and that it isn’t at all a problem and is easily fixed. But emotionally that’s not what I wanted, and I’m having a harder time with the results than I expected.

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Sorry to hear it isn’t going as quickly as you hoped. I have to think it’s something you have been waiting for your whole life (even if unconsciously) and now you have to wait even longer. I think anybody would really struggle with that, even while intellectually know this is the safe and reliable way to get what you want, it won’t be that much longer, etc.

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Sorry to hear that – getting it right is so individual and takes so much patience. Hopefully you can get there soon!

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Saw my doctor today, going to bump up doses of both spiro and estrogen. Will reassess and probably add progesterone in 3 months. I’m happy with that plan.

And on a side note, I know a bunch of people who feel like they have to lie to their doctors to get the dosages that they want, even here in MA. I don’t know how much of that is paranoia and how much is accurate, but it is nice to have a doctor where I don’t feel that way at all.

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I went to a Trans+ conference over the weekend. Learned some things, and got some ideas that I want to mull over incorporating into my mental health. But it was also nice to see the interactions between generations and the overall optimism that people have about their lives now, especially when compared to the stories of what old trans people had to go through.

The conference was also held not just at my alma mater, but in the part of campus where I used to live. About 75% of students live in one largish region, and 25% live in a smaller separate area that has its own library for historical reasons, and the conference took place there. It was nice to be back in familiar yet different surroundings, and also cool to see the changes the progress that the school has made with respect to queer students.

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Lipstick, a dress, and a close shave I imagine.

back when I was a kid in the mid 80’s, new out of a very rural area where the idea of trans wasn’t even imagined, I used to run into someone in the elevator occassionally. Definitely male, in a dress, with a 5oclock shadow and poorly applied makeup. At the time I just figured they were a bit weird, but whatever. They weren’t bothering me. The closest I’d have been able to understand at the time was a man in a dress, not a trans person. Looking back it’s more sad than anything. Having to live like that.

Your imagination is lacking — trans women use to have to give oral sex to their therapists to prove their were feminine enough to get hormones.

People are disgusting.

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Met with new co-parenting person today. New person has experience with trans issues, albeit mostly in the context of kids, but still is a step up imo from the person we were seeing before.

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Maybe this goes under annoyed thoughts but:

I’m supposed to swap out my estradiol patches twice a week. To stay on for 3 - 4 days, they are water proof, which on the plus side means you can shower or swim with them on. And when it’s time to remove a patch, they peel right off. At least the patch does, the adhesive stays on. And it’s water proof – you can shower with it, soak it in a bath … It’s oil soluble, but still that’s an annoying extra step.

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After dinner with a trans group last night, someone pointed out it is the last time we’ll see each other this year, which made me think about all of the changes that have happened over this past year. It’s easy to feel that things aren’t progressing from day to day, but over time the changes are clearer. Perhaps the most quantifiable one is that a year ago, I was on a blood pressure medication and an anti-depressant, and now am on neither, having replaced the BP medicine with my anti-androgen (which also works as a BP medication) and replacing the anti-depressant with estradiol. But I’ve also gotten some hair regrowth, albeit not enough, my hair removal is largely going well. And I guess most important, my sense of who I am and who I want to be, along with my self-confidence, has grown tremendously.

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Got my 9 month blood work back. Now officially have both testosterone and estrogen in female ranges! Kidneys still working ok, but numbers getting slightly worse each time so I’m going to have to have a conversation about whether or not to reduce the anti-androgen dose. Having elevated estrogen levels helps reduce testosterone production, so now that I’m in a good range there I might not need as much of it.

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