Samantha's ramblings

Understood, yeah, identity and presentation aren’t necessarily aligned, especially once somebody’s thrown off the strict assignment of binary gender.

I know a “nonbinary lesbian” and that one tugs at my brain on occasion, but I guess they’re just using it to say “nonbinary and interested in women”. I find that one a bit silly but it doesn’t hurt me.

Tomorrow will mark 1 year on hormones. Some thoughts about where things stand:

  • I was telling the kids the other day about studies showing that hormones make trans people happier. My son asked if that meant that I was happier (which I said I was) which is a nice sign of his caring. Figure it makes him easier to support something that may not make sense to him if he understands that side of it.
  • I can’t get over how much I like not having body hair. I used to be so jealous of guys who didn’t have hairy chests, and imagine shaving my legs. I hated the sight of myself in underwear. That is all better now.
  • I can definitely do a lot more with my voice, have some things that I understand that I can work on, but also one thing that I don’t really get and struggle with. As with many things in my life, it’s moving in the right direction but not where I want it to be.
  • My feelings about my hair are evolving. I was ok initially with the idea of wearing wigs, but I really want to be able to get up in the morning and feel like I look like a woman without having to go through a ritual. I’ve had some regrowth on my bald spot, but nowhere near what I want. I struggle with this emotionally, but intellectually know that a) I know people who got most of their regrowth in their 2nd year, and b) I only had hormone levels that I am happy with in my January blood work. My October T levels were still too high. So even though I’ve been on hormones for a year, I’ve only been at hormone levels that will help with the hair for a handful of months. I’ve also started derma rolling a couple days a week, and their exist some studies that says that can help (as well as studies that say no, not really). We’ll see.
  • Speaking of hair, laser hair removal has worked unusually well on me. I only did 6 sessions, body hair got totally nuked. Facial hair is much better, but I still have some dark hairs on my upper lip so I might get touch ups there. Also have 2 electrolysis consults booked for the grays, both at places with testimonials from trans women fairly prominently on their webpages. I’m nervous about that – have heard electrolysis really hurts, and pictures of the immediate aftermath look awful.
  • Women in my dad’s family have tiny boobs, so I’m not expecting anything big there. Am currently at maybe Tanner stage 3, which is normal. It’s fairly typical to hit Tanner state 4 in the 2nd year, looking forward to that. I have a progesterone prescription, which anecdotally can help, but haven’t started it b/c it also anecdotally through a real biological mechanism can hurt the hair.
  • I donated 15-ish bags of men’s clothing and pitched a few more last month. Being able to wear my own clothes makes me feel much more comfortable in my skin. Holding off on ear piercing or wearing anything super femme until the hair issues get resolved, so that is something to look forward to in the future.
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I had electrolysis for some hair on my face. I didn’t have a ton of hair, but it wasn’t bad. It hurts a lot more in some locations than others. So the soft part under the chin was just mildly uncomfortable, but hairs on the boney part of the chin were a little painful to zap.

I know a person who had whole body laser hair removal and they looked horrible for a week. All red and swollen. That looked much more painful than anything i did.

Upper lip was most painful for me… and i got full brazilian done.

Also, for me, it worked for about 10 years and then the hair started coming back. Nothing like prior to doing it but i still go in every once in a while for a “touch up”.

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Til that mtf don’t have breast implant surgery. I guess that makes sense, never really thought about it before. Hopefully won’t need to think about it again lol.

Is there typically much breast development from hormones alone in an adult? I figured there might be a little bit of change but would’ve assumed all MtF people remain as A/AA cups without surgery.

Yes. There is a lack of decent data on it (the only study I’m aware of is a European study that only lasted 1 year and used lower hormone levels than what people take today), but a lot of people feel that a general rule of thumb is maybe 1 cup size less than if one had only gone through the correct puberty. In particular, there are a lot of naturally busty trans women.

The lack of data is frustrating. E.g., there is anecdotal evidence than taking progesterone for a couple of years helps, but no studies on it either way.

What does remain common is having a larger chest diameter from going through male puberty, which can lead to more east-west shaped breasts, and slightly different guides in bra sizing given underbust and bust measurements.

I’ve been avoiding it out of laziness, but feel like I should compile a list of common misconceptions about people who are trans. The assumption that trans women don’t get good breast development just from hormones is high on that list. Another one that drives me batty is the idea that being trans is a choice. I guess whether or not one opts to take hormones, etc., is technically a choice, but someone is trans whether or not they do anything to change their gender presentation.

And doing nothing is tremendously hard once you realize who you are. In The Matrix, Lana and Lily Wachowski compared the feeling of being trans and not doing anything about it to a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. When you realize that you are trans, and acknowledge whatever dysphorias you have, those dysphorias become stronger and harder to ignore.

Regarding hair on the head and femininity, one data point: I’ve been through breast cancer treatment twice and so twice in my life I’ve had to scoop my hair up out of the shower drain like a dead rat. My hair had/has been a part of me that I’ve enjoyed and felt added to my looks as a woman. So it was hard being bald. Even having the privilege of it being temporary.

While waiting, I employed a number of different types of scarves at various stages that helped a lot. Different ways of tying, wrapping and wearing them etc. I also had a really nice wig that even people who knew me well couldn’t tell was a wig. But wigs are uncomfortable especially in Summer.

But scarves can be fun and help with feeling pretty.

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FWIW I’ve found your and Mountainhawk’s postings to be helpful.

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Annecdotally, the trans women i know have mostly developed enough of a bust that their figure looks feminine at a glance. And the exceptions are people whose male puberty made them very large and barrel- chested, not people who lacked breast development.

Informative for sure and educational. Often chalked up as ‘stuff I didn’t really want to know’ lol.

It’s a good way to educate those of us that are ignorant. And these things are certainly not something I would ask face to face, since the deets are solidly in the ‘none of my business’ category. Posting online takes it from personal details which would be uncomfortable, to being informational.

Thanks. I know several FtM trans people and I’m sure if I asked them MtF questions they’d have some idea on most topics, but appreciate a MtF perspective/knowledge base.