I saw that one. Hence the “most” comment.
But really, do you want this poster to move on to somewhere else and cause turnover at the manager level??
(I kid because I love.)
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Quick, delete this post and do it!
I don’t mean this to be overly blunt but you sound like you’re eager to conclude your manager is out to get you. Seriously, just talk to him.
I apologize to you, NA, for my insensitive, jerky remarks in that other thread.
I really need an alt named something like Observant Manager for things like that.
Yes, I’m giving away an incredible, potentially hilarious idea here. Even doing it for free.
Clearly they’re your impressions of experiences you’ve had, rather than black and white facts.
Yes, he is picking on you.
What is your response to this?
Do you laugh along?
Do you get noticeably pissed?
Do you react in any way?
Because that is what he wants: a reaction. He can’t help it, that’s just who he is, but it’s not an excuse. Bad childhood, I suspect, but I’m not that kind of doctor (or any kind). Perhaps a middle child. You should ask him if he is.
You have several options here:
- Make a “federal case out of it” by whining to HR.
- No reaction at all. Just a lot of uncomfortable silence. Your relationship is not special enough to enjoy comfortable silences.
- Talk to him privately (in Leadership 101, a good leader praises publicly, and criticizes privately) about it. You don’t appreciate it, it gives others a poor impression of you, etc.
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Nitpick: the reporting of events might be factual. I’ll assume for the sake of this post they are.
Your belief as to the reasons why they’re occurring are merely the conclusions you’re drawing, which may or may not be accurate. I’m not in a position to make that determination, nor am I about to pass judgment either way. To any extent that the conclusion you’ve drawn is inaccurate, it’s aggravating the current situation.
You need to sit with your manager and clear the air. Talking about it here is useful for getting advice, but ultimately it’s not solving your problem.
If your last several bosses were let go, that seems like a really obvious line for him to say when he met you. It may be that the role is a risky one for the manager, for whatever reason, and he’s a little anxious. If I’d been in your position, I’d have been expecting something like that, and I’d have replied something like “fifth time is the charm”, or some similarly meaningless acknowledgement of the odd situation he was in.
That was a comment about his fears, not about you. That you took it personally was a bad start.
I wonder if he’s joking more with you because you make him feel uncomfortable because you get tense when he jokes. It could be a vicious cycle.
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Well, if you think your boss is singling you out to put down, that’s certainly a bad sign. I tend to be fatalistic, and think that it’s a lot easier to change where you are than the change the situation where you are. That is, if i were you, I would be looking for a new position, not looking to talk to HR. A new position might be in the same company if this is a “this guy” thing, and not a “corporate culture” thing.
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a
Well, there’s never been a better time to shop around for a different company (at least since the 14th century).
If you’re not going to talk to your manager, and you really believe what you posted, then start looking elsewhere. I’m not being snarky here, I’m just saying it’s not going to magically get better on its own. Maybe it will. Probably not, very likely not, but there’s always that chance - but I’d bet a hefty sum against it.
Maybe you’re really open-minded about things and willing to give this situation a serious try to get better. That’s going to take effort on your part, though. Your posts don’t indicate any willingness to be open-minded about change or make an effort to effect change. Not after several posters have offered their thoughts and some advice. You seem to have already decided how things are and that it’s not getting better. Quit being miserable. Find somewhere else where you think you’ll be better appreciated.
Note: there’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m not putting effort in here, I’m walking away.” It’s 2022, it’s an employee-oriented job market, people leave jobs for much lesser reasons. But don’t say “I want things to get better” and then not do anything to help that happen.
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Usually when someone acts this way for a reaction, it’s to see you get uncomfortable. And it seems like you are. Confrontation about their behavior is rarely the desired reaction. They like the power move, and being confronted by you puts you in control, not them.
I am a woman and I think you should talk to him directly. It’s the hardest option of all of them, but if you want to stay and you want things to change, it’s the best first step.
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I based my advice mostly on the fact that it seems like you don’t want to talk to this guy and that you’ve got your mind pretty much made up about the situation (and that’s fine, whatever works for you). But you can’t assume that I wouldn’t have taken a different route myself or that it has anything to do with my being a woman.
Quite frankly, I do talk to my bosses when they cross me, and I have. My current boss’s boss (former boss) is actually a little bit scared of me for it.
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I’ve never had a good relationship with a boss that I was assigned to or that was assigned to my team. I make it a rule that I pick my boss. When I can’t pick my boss, I find a new job where I did pick my boss. From what you’ve posted so far, it seems like you have a bad boss at a bad company. My advice is to stay closed off like you have been, don’t burn bridges, keep doing a good job, and get the hell out of there. Some relationships, professional or personal, aren’t worth salvaging.
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It’s unlikely he’s trying to bully you. We’re not in some cutthroat industry, he does better if his team does better. He’s just trying to get a chuckle out of you and lighten the mood.
Pretty bold to play the woman card on whether to talk to your boss. You do you.
My prior boss was a little scared of me, too. For much the same reason.
It’s very hard for the rest of us to know what your situation is. The actual words you report your boss saying don’t sound that bad, and my interpretation is a lot more benign than yours.
But I wasn’t there. I didn’t see the body language or hear the tone. I will say that the one time I have felt sexually threatened at work, the words my great grand boss used were completely benign, it was his body language that sent me crying to my husband. And bad things happened to me after that, pushed by that man. (not sexual assault bad things, work bad things.)
I have no idea if you should talk to him. If he’s inadvertently making you uncomfortable, talking to him may help. If he has a pre-established poor opinion of you, it might hurt. If you think it’s racial, DO take detailed notes, who what where when. But again, it’s very hard for the rest of us to read the situation.
Unlike Snake, I’ve had good relationships with lots of bosses who were assigned to me. But I’ve also had bad boss relationships, and that can be horrible. And I think it’s very hard to fix bad boss relationships – much easier to change bosses than to fix a bad boss relationship. I’ve given the same advice to men.
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