Improved health and lifestyle from quitting drinking

I stopped for three months a bit before Covid and haven’t looked back.

I think all people have an amount of alcohol consumption which if they reach it becomes a problem. The amount may be low for some and high for others, but I think everyone has a line.

It’s a powerful drug, but it’s so socially acceptable I think people tend to forget that.

That being said I still spend a lot of time around people who have a few drinks every now and then and who I don’t think will ever have an issue. It’s helped me to stop being jealous of them being able to drink with no issues by realizing I’ve never really been happy with just one or two drinks.

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I’m drinking a lot more since August (I met a new group of friends). We all have 1-2 drinks a night when we get together (2-3 times a month), and previously my drinks per year was probably around 10-14, lumped into two weeks of vacation and having drinks by the pool/beach. It is a socially accepted thing to do, but I am definitely trying to be cognizant not only of how much I am drinking but also the added calories ha… needs a crosspost to the weekly weigh in thread.

very odd thing about my entire drinking/quitting experience:

My wife never acknowledged that I had a drinking problem. She thought I was foolish to even call myself an alcoholic. She would point to her parents and say ‘that’s an alcoholic, you are not like that’. Through the entire quitting process, I was unable to talk to her about it. She acted like I was making it up and I would get furious with her because I was asking for her support and not getting it. I never verbally yelled at her about it, I would just walk away from the conversation- there was no use fighting about it. I think her growing up with an alcoholic father in a lower class neighborhood (so all the other kids had drunk parents) screwed up her perception on this one.

To this day she still says things that blow my mind. Like she comes home from the store and is excited that she got wine for us to drink.

I do make her play by 1 rule: She can have beer in the house, but it cannot be beer that I like. She can have all the Chocolate peanut butter cherry craft stuff she wants- I don’t even recognize that as beer. And absolutely no hard liqueur in the house… I used to drink liquor like it was water- I cant even look at the stuff anymore.

I think a lot of people think if you’re not falling down drunk most of the time then you’re not an alcoholic.

But really, it’s a question of whether you are depending on alcohol (at least that’s my understanding).

And if you’ve decided not to drink, alcoholic or not, it would be nice to have support in that.

That said, I enjoy drinking socially and would be sad to lose my favorite drinking partner, my husband. I don’t like to drink alone, so it would be a bummer if he ever decided to give up alcohol.

So your wife is probably experiencing a loss herself. I’m not excusing her actions… just mentioning it in case you haven’t thought about it that way.

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This is a good point. To some extent, it was my inability to control myself that caused her to lose her favorite drinking partner. It was my lack of self control that resulted in her drinking alone now.

As much as I thought quitting drinking was the answer to all my problems, in reality my marriage may have suffered as much as it gained from it all. Quitting drinking forced me to find all new hobbies and friends, which pulled me away from my wife. She was not interested in my newfound interests.

I know 100% that I am a better dad sober. That alone has been my driving force to stay sober this long. being sober has allowed me to actually enjoy my kids and be a part of their lives. I somewhat expect to return to drinking one day when my kids get older. But for the next 5-10 years, I know what I have to do.

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So now, being aware of this, what can you find to do that your wife would want to be a part of? Is there something that she’s interested in that you could try, or something that she’d be interested in trying that you could do together? Maybe she goes kayaking or takes a yoga class by herself that you could join, or you could both take up golfing or join the choir at church or try salsa dancing.

Maybe now is a good time to take the money you’re not spending on alcohol and splurge on a season subscription to the local theater or music or ballet or sports organization, or get a membership to one or more of the local museums, zoo, aquarium, etc. Something that she would enjoy and you can at least tolerate… but ideally something you’d enjoy too.

With the tickets, it’s sort of a built-in date night.

With the membership you have to be a little more deliberate about saying “we’re going to go once a month” and then actually DO IT. Maybe set aside the second Saturday of the month or the third Tuesday or whatever works for you guys. Get them on both calendars at least through the end of 2022 and prioritize them. Try not to miss but if you absolutely must then reschedule.

Don’t let the two of you just drift apart. Now, when a major change has happened, is a vulnerable time in a relationship. (I’m something of an expert on failed relationships.) Be proactive about doing something positive for your marriage!

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I was about to suggest therapy or counseling, now before it gets to the next level. LH knows what’s best for his situation, and I wish him well.

This post is loaded with good ideas. While many of these do not apply to us, the underlying idea is hitting home- I need to make time to spend with her, regardless of what we are doing together. the core issue I see if we are so damn busy: 2 kids, with me at the office 5 days a week, she is also in school, not much local family support. The result is I have 100 things to do every day and so does she- so most days I see her for 5 min in the morning and then we meet back up at 9 for bed. In the past we would sit down in the evening for a glass of wine and relax, but now she has night classes or I am at the gym. We are in a bit of a crunch lately as I am studying for exams as well.

our marriage is strong imo. We have been through a lot over the last 15 years. We are not angry with each other- we just miss each other. Our last ‘date’ was in April…

This is a good story to illustrate my point in the OP: “Quitting drinking wont solve any of your problems. But it will let you start solving them”. There are so many things in my life that I am dealing with well right now (and my wife as well). Our household is functioning very well- but clearly I need to work on getting more time with the wife.

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Yes, busyness plagues most of us; it’s a real issue and I empathize.

Do you have a cleaning lady / housekeeping service? You could invest in one to free up some time (or live in a cleaner house or a little of both).

Do you have a few good babysitters on speed dial?

My niece & nephew do gymnastics and the gym has a “Parents Night Out” once a month where they feed the kids pizza and let them have free time in the gym for 3 hours. Can you find something like that to take advantage of?

Schedule time to study together.

Of the “100 things to do every day” . . . which items can be “restructured” so to be done less frequently? Which ones can be restructured to be done “in parallel” where you’re both together, accomplishing two items on the list? Which items could your kids start taking on*?

Plan shopping trips together.

Show your kids where “your time with your wife” is prioritized in the context of everything else.

  • It might be the case you’re spending a bit more time up front to make sure that they know how to do it–and do it properly–but then you’ll free up more time after they’re onboard.

I have floated the cleaning lady idea to the wife- she did not take it well. She took it as in insult to her ability to keep up with the house work. We both have this stubborn ‘I can do it myself’ about everything. For example, I do all of my own car and house work. In 8 years we have not had a repairman come to the house. Wife also has trust issues- she does not like strangers in the house at all. I also struggle to get her to trust baby sitters for the kids.

We were both raised in this manor as well. In old school conservative households where a real man does xyw and a real woman does abc.

Your last point on parents night out is nice. We have kinda done things like this- go places where kids can free range while wife/I can sit and relax.

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one of the things I significantly cut down on was yardwork. I used to spend hours and hours every week cleaning the yard. But eventually I scaled back time spent on it. So now I just do like 2 hours a week just to keep it OK looking.

Another things Ive mostly given up is watching football on sundays. Ive deemed this a total waste of time. I watch bits of the games for maybe an hour or 2. but I not longer plop down on the couch for 7 hours on sunday afternoon/eveing.

Joke i have with my wife “100% of our effort is the minimum amount of work to do”

I tend to watch the SNF pregame show for this. I’ll also watch the “highlights” footage of games (NFL app) that I’m most interested in (usually the Broncos game as it’s not really shown where I live).

I tried to replace watching football with mowing the grass. So ill mow the back yard, take a break and watch some football, then finish the front yard, then watch a little more. Then I do laundry and other house chores.

idea was to replace something that was wasting time with something productive.

to relate back to the thread topic- sundays used to be drunk by 1, then rolling all day.

My mom is like this. And I’m the complete opposite. And she has more money than me (expectedly) and owns multiple properties, yet she refuses to hire help. It’s fine now that both my parents are retired, But she used to work full time, do all the house work, cook every single meal at home, write books on the side, and raise two kids.
Meanwhile, I work one job, go to the gym, and just lie in the couch all day long.

ya money isnt even the issue. we live well below our means already. We live on an actuary’s salary in a low COLA in a small house.

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I even offered to buy her a roomba and she’s like no, I like sweeping.

– cannot comprehend –

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About finding time to spend together: it’s simple, but not easy.

What is your wife’s fear of babysitters? Was she treated badly by one as a kid? Does she watch too much bad tv?

Talk to other parents and see who they use and recommend.

Start off slowly: an hour or two on a Saturday afternoon at first. Then expand that time as you get more comfortable.

What time do the kids go to bed? Have a stay-at-home date. Game night. Popcorn and a movie. Heck, even organize the photos on your computer. Feed the kids dinner, then cook a late dinner for just you two.

Screw studying for a night. It’s not going to mess anything up.

Just like you guys make time to clean the house or mow the lawn, make time to spend time together.

Do you trust your neighbors? Ask them to watch the kids for two hours so you can go to a nice dinner Sunday afternoon.

Again, simple but not easy.

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We sometimes accept the fact that house won’t get cleaned one night/skip a night of studying and do a “porch date” after the kids go to bed. Get takeout from somewhere and both just sit on a chair on the porch eating our dinner and talking from 8-10pm. Helps with that “miss each other” feeling when you’re both busy

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OP I’m guessing, but I think you may feel like you have to do a lot of things now to make up for the things you weren’t doing when you were drinking.

Keeping busy is important, but you may want to step back and think about what’s really important to you.

E.g. you’re spending 2 hours a week on the yard. If you enjoy that, great. But if not, it sounds like you can afford to get a lawn maintenance company to do that for you and free up 2 hours a week to spend with your wife.

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