I’m more looking forward to getting the all clear for surgery than the process. My wife was trying to be reassuring but failed spectacularly.
One unfortunate thing I didn’t anticipate is that it was really hard to find a cosmetic surgeon that took my insurance, and the one I found that did had some mediocre reviews, so decided to just pay cash. Fortunate I can do that.
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Booked all the final details, and the date moved to June 6th! Even closer. 
(Works a little better with my July vacation and the post op meetings)
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I’m having one of those experiences that I thought I understood before, but I never really did (like being “happy”).
I’ve been reading Ryka Aoki’s Light from Uncommon Stars, and actually seeing myself in the main character in the story. I’ve empathized with characters before, but the connection I feel with Katrina is amazing, and the writing is so intensely personally relatable that I might have to not read it right before bed (my normal reading time).
Last nights passage just hit me so hard. That negative self-talk is just so … real.
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Non jazz hands hug. 
I hope that negative self-talk has lessened and will continue to lessen.
You belong. You are not wrong.
It’s lessened in the sense that it’s not every single night anymore, but the intensity is the same or worse, because those kind of thoughts get combined with the ‘what if I get murdered and leave my family behind?’ doubts.
I know this extends beyond trans rights but my state has a serious State Congress candidate running on an “I will enact a Don’t Say Gay bill” modeled after Florida, disallowing any discussion of sexuality in schools.
I’m childless currently but would love to see a child ask their teacher, “It’s weird that XYZ has a man and a woman as mother and a father, right?”
(Note: I love teachers and support them and don’t want to force them to deal with this bullshit, am just mad. I might be tempted to direct this if a particular teacher is especially shitty however.)
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The initial consult went well. I’m fortunate to live in an area where the trans health care doesn’t have a huge amount of gatekeeping (I mean, this was a in person consult to get on a list to get a call to talk with someone that can put my case on an agenda for the committee that will approve me getting on the list to get a final consult with the other surgeon who will then get me on the list to actually schedule the surgery, so there is SOME gatekeeping), but I was it was cold and dreary day and I was able to wear jeans without being worried about being accused of being ‘not feminine enough’ to deserve this surgery, which is a thing that still happens somewhere.
Funny (sad?) story from today’s appointment:
The doctor had just finished telling me that I’d have a catheter for a week after surgery.
Me: I’m been telling work I’d likely be out 6-10 weeks, does that seem reasonable?
Him: Office job right? Me: Yeah. Him: If you can work from home you could probably start the day after you get home from surgery. Me: 
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You’ll need…not exactly rehab, but time to learn to use the new equipment, right? You really ought to get some disability time when you do this.
The doctor may not appreciate that you would not be doing mindless work. Thinking takes a lot of effort. Making decisions and selections does too. You want for have plenty of rest of healing.
It also seems like a bad idea to put yourself in a situation where you have to be sitting in front of a desk, even at home. But i guess i don’t really know.
More generally, there is not a bright line between “can work” and “cannot work.” It reminds me a little of women being told to work late into pregnancy, or soon after birth. Maybe they can do it. Women are tough. That doesn’t mean they should, or that it’s good for them.
Yes. My understanding from other women it is at least 2-3 weeks before you can sit comfortably for extended periods of time without a donut cushion or something, and there is an even longer period of emotional recovery. I’ll have to be off my estrogen for 3-4 weeks before and 1-2 weeks after, which will likely mean a pretty depressive state that I have to shake off as well.
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When I go back to the hospital to have the catheter removed, my understanding is that they don’t let you go home until you’ve figured out how to pee on your own again.
I’ve already talked to HR and they are fine with me being on short term disability after it - it’s just so much of the US medical system seems to assume the goal is back to work ASAP I find it sad.
I actually got a note from my doctor allowing me to work until i delivered. I was much more comfortable in the office, in my ergonomic chair, with stuff to distract me from how uncomfortable i felt, then i was at home.
In general, i think allowable disability should vary more by person and circumstance than it seems to.
Monday is my last pre-op meeting for the breast augmentation. 3 weeks out — becoming very real. I have a lot of nerves about this one. I think a lot of it is the current political situation – once I have this surgery there is no ‘calling this off’ and going back into hiding (which, I hate to admit it, I’m pretty sure I could do even after 2 years of HRT because I get sir’ed in a damn dress 10-20% of the time).
I know I wouldn’t be able to do that, and it would kill me just the same as some crazy with a gun, but it’s still a thought that runs through my head from time to time.
Struggling pretty hard with the reduction of the estrogen in the lead up to the surgery as well. When menopausal women tell you hot flashes suck, they ain’t lying y’all.
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Maybe it’s TMI, but I’m curious why you need to reduce the estrogen prior to surgery.
There was some evidence 15 years ago that oral estrogen gave an elevated risk of blood clots. It’s since been shown that the bio-identical estrogen used in modern HRT doesn’t, so some hospitals/surgeons are moving away from it, but for breast augmentations you usually aren’t dealing with surgeons that specialize in trans medicine, so they don’t always know/care about the latest studies. (A 2021 Mt. Sinai study showed it’s not even helpful for vaginoplasty surgeries, which was surprising since you can’t move around much for a week or so.)
I use an estrogen patch instead of oral estrogen mostly because it’s supposed to be a little safer. My understanding is that if your eat estrogen it gets converted into other estrogens by the liver, but if you get it without passing it through the liver you can get pretty much the drug as-delivered.
I’m pretty sure i take less than you, though. Old-lady doses are fairly small.
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I crush it and take it sublingually to avoid the liver as much as possible. I’m normally on 6 mg a day.
Whereas my patch is suppose to deliver 0.0375mg/day. Which is supposed to be approximately equivalent to 0.75mg orally, due to the hit from passing through the liver.
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Small differences 