Things are fine, as usual. I may join Mrs. H in drinking tomorrow night.
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We met one of the twins’ uncles last night, so that he could put a face to us and we to him. This is the one who has a 529 for each of them, referenced way back up. It was a short meeting, not as informative re: financials as I wanted, but it was good to at least know who this person is that has access to money that can help them with college. Well, aside from the preachy parts - it is such a blessing from God that you two are in their lives, you must be angels sent from God himself, this eclipse coming up and what’s going on in Israel … I’m sure it’s a sign of the end times - which, if it’s not evident, I am not a religious person even in passing and Mrs. H. has gone from “cradle Catholic, K-8 in Catholic school” to being almost as non-religious as me.
No, I did not visibly roll my eyes at the you must be angels part. I should get a lot of points for that.
I don’t think we’ve named their dad. Let’s call him Ron. Things we did learn out of the meeting:
- Ron inherited $62,000 from an aunt, used some of that to pay off his vehicle and trailer. Or, after paying off the trailer and vehicle had $62,000 left over. I got both versions, figured this wasn’t the time to clarify those details.
- Then Ron met Karen.
His family suspected Karen was a problem quickly. They were right. Within a couple years, he’d lost both the vehicle and trailer to debt because of her. And, where they were living was increasingly filthy no matter how much he tried to clean up. - But somehow the family convinced him to set aside the money he had left from paying off stuff, and he managed to do it so Karen couldn’t get to it. That’s become the kids’ 529 plans.
- When Ron would have visitation, he’d bring the twins over and the first thing his family would do is give the kids a bath and wash all of their clothes, because the kids were filthy and their clothes stunk that bad.
- They tried to get Ron to talk to Karen about the filth; apparently he’d tried in the past and Karen thought he was being abusive [which probably led to their eventual divorce], so Ron’s family tried to talk to Karen about it and get help for her and the kids. And of course, she thought that was abusive too and so she would tightly control when the kids could see Ron so that his family couldn’t see the kids.
- After Ron died, Karen flatly refused to allow his family to see the kids. Some of them haven’t seen the kids since his funeral 7 1/2 years.
This is important because right now the kids have borrowed all their can through student loans, about $16,000. They think they have $0. Or, they have $16,000 but it’s all in their mom’s name so now that she’s dead, it will be wiped out and they’ll owe $0. I have to figure out when/how to have a sit-down, brutally honest discussion about finances with each of them. M is going to be like talking to a blank wall, they’re going to disassociate as much as they can. m will probably get physically sick a few times. It will be fun for everyone.
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Cross-postable to Happy Thoughts.
We got a check from the State of Illinois. It’s reimbursement for Karen’s cremation. Since she was on Medicaid when she died, the state would pay for it as a final death benefit.
We’re going to split it among the kids, we need to discuss with them if we’re splitting 2 ways (between the twins) or 3 ways (including their older brother).
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It’s been kind of quiet on our front. Well, no not really, the occasional 
and , but nothing that’s overly worth bitching about.
Oh sure, there’s finding out the twins had $20,000 each for college and their mom completely drained one account and half-drained the other, so now one of them has $3,000 left, but I file that under “stuff that’s expected” because it would really take a lot for me to be surprised at anything their mom did.
I think what drives me nuts at the moment is m knowing they have a problem and choosing to ignore it. You know, because that makes the problem go away. Which, they know “ignore it, it will go away” isn’t a solution, but they get anxiety over dealing with problems and so they intentionally choose to ignore things until it all compounds and then they can’t deal with it. And it can be “big” things - what am I going to do for a job this summer? I need to sign up for classes so I get what I want, when I want it - or it can be really small things like we’re on a trip and I need to go to the bathroom, but I don’t want to say anything because then we’ll have to stop. And in the latter case, they’ll suffer and nearly go to the bathroom in their clothes to avoid embarrassment of asking to stop for a potty break. You know, because peeing or pooping all over yourself would be less embarrassing.
We see m next weekend. M and her boyfriend will probably be there. We’re planning on a serious discussion with m over a few things, they’ve been told it’s not optional. We have to do the same with M, but the two will talk so she’ll have time to process. Or, prepare to ignore. We’ll see how that goes.
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Things have come to a head today. We planned for goddaughter to move in with us in a couple of weeks. Goddaughter almost ran away to move in with us last night, leaving a note. Instead, we are navigating a hopefully more amicable “I need to GTFO of this house” conversation with the mother today or tomorrow, then goddaughter is probably moving in with us that day or next day.
Goddaughter’s parents have 4 children, and have cut the elder 2 entirely out of their lives and do not speak of them. I know one of them was because he converted to Islam and have no idea on the other.
We’re hoping goddaughter won’t also be estranged, but if her mother does that then okay.
Goddaughter is geo-tracked on her phone by an app she can’t remove, and also her phone immediately reports all phone call logs and entire text messages to mother, so she is leaving that at home and we will get her a phone and put her on our plan. If parents decide to cut all ties then goddaughter won’t have a car, but we have 2 cars and dual WFH so this is barely a bother as she can use ours.
We already have a few job interviews lined up and I don’t anticipate any difficulty getting her a job as a hostess/server/etc. within a couple of weeks.
It’s my sincere hope this doesn’t end with her completely cut off, but what the family does is their choice. We did not want to have to step in, we are not attempting to turn her against her parents. The poor young woman needs a parental figure that doesn’t constantly criticize her.
The woman is something like 5’5" and 110 pounds and mother says she’s ugly and fat and should get liposuction - as mother is doing again in a couple of weeks along with a breast augmentation. As of this morning she’s screaming at her daughter because her previously-disclosed plans to move here means she can’t wait on her mom while she’s on medical leave for her plastic surgery. Calling her selfish, ungrateful, etc.
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Good Lord… that’s literally abusive.
How old is goddaughter?
Goddaughter is 20, her little sister who we cannot take in is about 15-16.
The two of them are in contact, but due to mother’s abuse they aren’t especially close. Goddaughter deals with the abuse by shutting down and contacting people like us via methods that mother can’t track. Little sister has found every reason to be out of the house and is usually doing travel sports which the mother refuses to attend.
On one of the few occasions that mother attended one of little sister’s sports events two weeks ago, she wore a $7,000 diamond bracelet with a clasp that she knew was shoddy, and lost it in the grass, and blamed little sister and said “This is your fault, this is why I don’t watch your games.”
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We have a plan. Goddaughter will have a sit-down with parents about how mother is causing her to have daily panic attacks, etc., and what she needs to coexist there until her job (related to the school-year) is concluded and she can move here.
Because her phone has been repeatedly confiscated (she’s an adult but parents do pay for it), she will message us (on Instagram where she can’t be tracked) before and after the talk. If her phone is confiscated, we will just leave to get her after 1 hour.
No idea where we will land on her needing a new phone, needing one of our cars. She might get her parents to take the tracking off the phone, because as-is we are not allowing that phone to be powered on in our home. They don’t and will not know where we live. I’m sure they can find out but we aren’t serving it on a GPS platter, and especially not going to let them know where she is working, etc. while with us unless she shares that.
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Is emancipation an option there?
Because that household sounds horrid for a minor. The long-term damage she will incurr staying with those parents will be pretty substantial due to that kind of abuse.
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Well, goddaughter is a legal adult now. But I don’t know what’s best for little sister. We are not as close with her, so while we can reach out it feels somewhat overstepping to really pressure anything. Goddaughter is closer and can manage that relationship once she is out of the house and stable. Perhaps goddaughter just keeps little sister sane until she can also move to college.
Little sister is already talking about going to colleges across the country in order to get away from parents as much as possible. Goddaughter already went to college far away and mother tried to rent a condo in the same city so she could come stay for weeks at a time and keep track of goddaughter. Goddaughter is only temporarily living at home this semester for health reasons.
Mother has also told the ~15-16 year old that she’s fat and needs liposuction. This girl is a district-level star athlete in multiple sports and first, is pretty skinny, and second, is a brickhouse of muscle for a young girl.
You can discipline someone else’s kid if you use your kid as a whipping boy.
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It sounds like goddaughter is just immediately quitting the school job and shit’s going down tonight or tomorrow. (Things are shifting but coming into focus.) I’d prefer to pick her up tonight (this is a few hours’ drive) but instead will probably take the AM as PTO and get on the road super early.
The school job isn’t related to an intended career. It’s a job that mother forced her into because mother works part-time at the school and it let her keep a closer eye. She assists the special-needs teachers with taking care of such kids. She wanted to go for different jobs, but mother said no.
(Side note: Mother who works at that school told school she needed 2 weeks of medical leave to recover from a surgery - not telling them it was a boob job and a facelift.)
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Why not get a hotel for the night?
Not sure what traffic might look like during the morning commute and all that.
Either way if I pick her up tomorrow, it’s morning PTO. Traffic isn’t going to be a problem. It’s a straight shot on a rural highway for 2 hours. We’ll just leave at 7 AM, get there 9, back before noon, and back to work.
She’s packing as much as she can because we don’t know if her family is about to permanently kick her out and cut her off. We’re taking 2 vehicles. We’re not bothering with furniture, just clothes and valuables.
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Just venting random things as I work.
Goddaughter came out to her parents that she was somewhat bicurious, but wasn’t quite sure whether she was into women.
Mother told her that if she felt she was a bisexual that’s fine. As long as goddaughter only dates and marries a man then it doesn’t bother her. Since then she’s been setting goddaughter up on blind dates with the absolute worst men. Last was a farmer named Zebediah who she had nothing in common with.
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I would think that most of a 20 year old’s furniture is either junk or the legal property of the parent(s).
I can understand not telling them, but I assume that at some point you or your wife was close to one or both of her parents or you wouldn’t be her godfather. It’s sad that things are so broken now. 
We already have her bedroom set up with a queen bed, a little sofa, a dresser, closet, and a TV with some streaming services attached.
She’ll have some chores but nothing excessive. An equal portion of the household chores in exchange for no rent and free food. Since she will probably work more in town (service industry) and we WFH, we’ll probably expect that she’ll occasionally pick up a couple things from the store that we need and have it be part of living here, but she won’t have to pay 1/3 of the grocery bill.
We anticipate this situation will resolve, at least for schooltime, come fall semester. Way too far away to think what this means for something like Christmas but we would welcome her back.
Depending on the next week or so, this could essentially result in us quasi-adopting a young adult. My ideal outcome is that she and her mom continue to speak, even if things are pretty rocky right now, and particularly that goddaughter and little sister stay in touch. Ideally parents would let her keep their vehicle she drives, the phone she uses (with tracking removed), and remain on their health insurance.
Edit: Realized we should have her call her doctors to get 3-month prescriptions filled and picked up before parents kick her off health insurance. Based on cutting 2 prior children out of their lives I assume they will do that soon.
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Good luck!
Spouse’s mother was close and my spouse was technically a minor at the time. I think it was kind of “this is the godfamily”, moreso.
Ironic because my spouse’s mom is also a huge narcissist, though goddaughter’s mother is worse. Real recognize real I guess.