After sitting on this for 3 years, I finally remembered to pull this together. Is it a game? Is it not a game? Well, it’s going here and we can discuss the right location while we get to the real question: what is the worst Christmas song?
This year’s tournament brings you 32 of the most nauseating Christmas songs one can imagine, sourced from across the internet, GoA suggestions, and my own personal hatreds, and seeded using an arbitrary secret, and assigned to one of four divisions:
The Santa Claus Division - generally themed around Santa, but also a dumping ground for songs that didn’t make the cut elsewhere
The Jack Frost Division - those songs that make you think of cold? You’ll feel cold and numb listening to them.
The Mistletoe Division - songs that mention presents, which will make you wish someone had gift-wrapped the flu instead
The Bing Crosby Division - more contemporary songs, in honor of one of the names commonly associated with Christmas singing … except, all of these songs suck
Polls will be set up shortly for each matchup. The tentative schedule is:
Division quarterfinals: November 30 - December 5
Division semifinals: December 6 - December 11
Division finals: December 12 - December 16
Semifinals: December 17 - December 20
Championship: December 21 - December 24
The song with the most votes advances on. Ties will be broken by some combination of “most vehement complaint about the song,” how much I hate one of them over the other, and a roll of 10-sided dice.
Cast your votes, and your aspersions about any or all of the songs, and we’ll crown a “please give me something sharp so I can jab it in my ears and never hear this song again” winner on Christmas Eve!
NewSong, “The Christmas Shoes” - largely acclaimed to be the worst song out there, it takes the #1 overall seed. Will it earn that in the end?
John Denver, “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” - apparently it applied to Daddy and not John, but this song may make you want to get drunk before it’s over.
John Lennon and Yoko Ono, “Happy Xmas** (War Is Over)” - even if other acts covered it and those were worse, this is the gold standard version for passive aggressive season’s greetings.
The Jackson 5, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” - it might be a bad song, but a 12-year old Michael Jackson took this to new depths.
The Killers, “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” - if you’re looking for a song with warm, fuzzy, feel-good messaging, … this isn’t it.
Bruce Springsteen and the East Street Band, “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” - mentioned by others as a “not good” song, if you want to know why your cat runs up the Christmas tree it’s probably because it’s running away from someone pretending to be Santa Claus with the ho, ho, ho in the song.
The Beach Boys, “Little Saint Nick” - the only explanation I have for this song is that Brian Wilson was on a drug-infused bender.
Cliff Richards, “Mistletoe and Wine” - not one I’m familiar with, but way too many people across the internet cited Cliff Richards and “bad Christmas music” to leave him off, and this one stood out as the worst of them.
Jack Frost Division
Various artists, “Santa Baby” - there’s so many terrible versions of this terrible song, but it’s best summed up when even co-writer Philip Springer apologized for the lyrics right after finishing them.
Various artists, “Baby It’s Cold Outside” - it doesn’t mention Christmas, and someone’s plying someone with alcohol to stay. Need I say more?
Wham!, “Last Christmas” - this could also be a field entry, because it’s the Christmas Song That Never Ends. You all know why this version is listed. [Having to listen to it when deciding on voting should not count towards Whamageddon; you’re simply doing a public service for GoA.]
The Pogues, “Fairytale of New York” - I wasn’t familiar with this song, but it earned more than enough points to make the cut. By the end, you may wish you weren’t familiar with it either.
Bon Jovi, “Back Door Santa” - arguably deserving of a higher seed, most people who hear this song agree that given the choice they want it dead, not alive.
Barbara Streisand, “Jingle Bells” - I almost made this a field entry and put the Barking Dogs version here, but then I got reminded of this travesty from Babs who thought doing this at 3x speed was something everyone wanted.
Various artists, “Let It Snow” - another song that doesn’t mention Christmas, another song intended to woo someone into staying around. And, most people want to sing this in some sultry tone that sounds more hello little kid, would you like a piece of candy? than this is romantic, I think I will stay around a little longer.
Various artists, “The Christmas Song” - perhaps Nat King Cole’s version is tolerable, but it’s a disjointed mess of ideas where virtually everyone wants to warble through … and every mother’s child is gonna spy before trying to show off a 6-octave vocal range with a 2-octave voice. Blech.
Mistletoe Division
Elmo and Patsy, “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” - nothing make you lulz like Grandma getting trampled by a 12-pointer because you decided to let her wander off drunk, and then everyone has dinner like nothing happened with passing concern about the presents. Whether Grandma is John Denver’s mom or not is open to discussion.
Lade Gaga, “Christmas Tree” - she may have talent, and she may have put out some eardrum-puncture worthy songs, but this one takes the cake and gets mentioned way too often to be seeded lower.
Various artists, “The Little Drummer Boy” - as mentioned elsewhere on GoA, I’m sure Mary after giving birth really wanted some 6-year old to be hammering away on a snare drum while baby Jesus is trying to sleep. Not to mention, there’s no drumming in the song and it just kind of dies after a bit … which is where this song should stay: dead.
Spice Girls, “Christmas Wrapping” - another entry that’s mentioned elsewhere a ton. Will it be a song you want to take back, or will you not wait that long and just throw it in the trash ASAP?
Justin Bieber, “Mistletoe” - could we have a “worst songs” list without him? No, and on his list of Christmas songs this one is acclaimed as the tune that should be sent back to Canada.
Gayla Peevey, “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” - clearly no one told Gayla that hippos are dangerous and tend to trample humans. Or, maybe she wanted one thinking she could train it to trample someone she didn’t like. We’d all like for that hippo to trample this song.
Cyndi Lauper, “Christmas Conga” - she apparently had so much fun with the girls, she decided to pen this tune that causes people to say “I’m not having fun, I’m really miserable.”
Spike Jones (and his City Slickers), “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” - I’m pretty sure this is where the girl in the GMC commercial got the idea that she could whistle. All I want every time I hear this song is to stick two fake teeth up there and scream THERE, THERE’S YOUR GODDAMN TEETH, NOW SHUT THE HELL UP.
Bing Crosby Division
Band-Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” - the 1984 song intended to raise money for starving kids in Africa has been universally panned ever since for being tone-deaf about Christmas. It was close, but it takes the top seed.
Paul McCartney, “Wonderful Christmastime” - straight out of the era where Sir Paul was dabbling in drugs, this psychodelic-sounding jingle will have you hearing all kinds of things you didn’t think were possible.
Mariah Carey, “All I Want for Christmas is You” - this polarizing version brings out all kinds of feelings in people, both positive and negative.
New Kids On the Block, “Funky, Funky, Xmas” - from the boy band who thought the world wanted to hear this: funky, funky no.
Lou Monte, “Dominick the Donkey” - somehow reindeer who can fly around the world can’t climb a mountain in Italy, and it’s up to a donkey to do the job. It’s up to you to decide if this song is absurd or delightful.
Pentatonix, “That’s Christmas to Me” - this could have been a field entry for Pentatonix songs, but this particular song evokes comments of “that’s not Christmas, that’s shit.”
Jose Feliciano, “Feliz Navidad” - with only 2 or 4 lines, depending on how you want to count them, this simple but repetitive song might make you want to tap your toes in head-nodding delight … or, make you twitch uncontrollably with every repeat of the lyrics.
Brenda Lee, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” - a personal add to the competition, arguably the most disgusting song in the tournament because everyone hears it and thinks “oh, sweet little 13-year old Brenda Lee, what a cute song” and few realize that out of nowhere, she drops “later we’ll have some fucking pie.”
I’ll post links to each one, so no one has to go find them.
If you want to go do research to plan your votes and subject yourself to torture in the process, I assume no responsibility for any mental harm that’s incurred.
I have deliberately not opened those spoiler/details boxes so as to not infest my brain with a parasitic ear worm. I may not participate for that very reason, but that’s a me problem not a you problem. I wish you great success in your endeavors here.
Fluff me gently: I just listened to John Denver’s “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk at Christmas)”. Terrible, terrible song, but I’m sure there’s waaaay worse in the category.
