Have you heard the story of three chicks, one bed in Nashville?
Go on…
It’s not a fun story and I don’t want to kill ao fan 
(Also, you assuredly HAVE heard it, several times…)
1 Like
I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall at that potacular. Being a participant in it would have sent me running.
1 Like
Once upon a time, there was a guy who believed that “hard work was the key to success”. He read a lot of books about so called geniuses-- Motzart, Einstein, Socrates, etc. and he figured, “you know what, all those guys are just hard workers, really. You just have to start young and stay focused on being awesome.” Everyone around him thought this was pretty stupid. But he said, “you know what, fuck it, I’m going to make this happen. I’m going to make a genius!” Then he laughed maniacally for an hour.
But to make his plan work, he needed a wife that was on board. So he looked all over the place, and laid out his plan to all sorts of chicks, until one was like “I’m hip to your crazy.” And together they had 3 baby girls.
Then they asked “but what do we do with the girls? Do we make them mathematicians? Physicists? Musicians?” They settled on chess, since he was a little good at chess. So the 3 little girls and this weird dad played chess all day and all night, in a sad little apartment full of chess board and chess books. They also had lots of fighting with sexist folks who were like “girls are supposed to be pretty” and “girls can’t play with boys”, and “why don’t your children ever leave the house?” etc.
Once, in the middle of the night, the dad heard some sounds coming from the bathroom, and found his daughter there with a chess board on her knees. He said “holy shit, leave the pieces alone!” And she said, “but daddy, they won’t leave me alone!”
Anywho, 20 years pass, the kids grow up and move on, and the parents wonder (as all parents wonder) “Well, what do we do now? Our little girls have all become geniuses. The youngest is literally the Greatest Of All Time? We totally nuked the gender barrier and proved that you can make anyone a genius?”
“Well, we could adopt some black babies from a third world country, and nuke the racial barrier with more genius kids?”
“Uh, no thanks.”
The end.
True story.
There’s been a disappointing lack of storytelling here.
I’m also disappointed to be reminded of craving popcorn because now I want some.
Once upon there was a lonely man who woke up in the middle of the night, craving popcorn.
Your kid could probably run with this.
Yeah, I often do a game where I write a lead and she goes on. Way easier than trying to get her to write or do worksheets.
Once upon a time a princess was trying to add 3/8 + 4/5. The evil step queen said she could never find the answer …
1 Like
We have that chat bot thing now
Here you go:
3 Likes
Lemme tell you about the pumpkin pie incident of 2005.
Our small town was trying to get an outside farmers market off the ground on thanksgiving weekend and was struggling to.get vendors. So i volunteered to pay for a booth just to fill spots. My spouse makes the best apple pies ever, shes had mennonites tell her its as good as what they make. So, they would make some pies and id get my kids to sell them. Kids would make some cash and get a taste of being an entrepreneur.
Except my spouse’ reaction, and i quote, “i am not making 50 fucking apple.pies”. And the kids were like no way. So now its just me and no pies. So i called a local pie shop and ordered 100 at a cut rate.
The day of, im driving to pick up the pies. Its near freezing, and raining so hard i had to pull to the side because i couldnt see to drive. Eventually i get the pies and get the outside booth set up.
Sat there all day in the rain and sleet blowing so hard it was coming down sideways. I.sold three pies.
Now i had a problem. What do you do.with 97 pies? It was actually a problem. We didnt have that freezer space. And when i start running through the list of friends and neighbours, obodys gonna want more than 2 or 3. No way was i giving away that many pies. I was going to be dumping half of them.
Eventually i called the pie shop and asked if they would take them back. Their response was omg, we are sold out, how quick can you get them.here? So i brought them back, and they gave me a refund.
Moral of the story, im an idiot.
6 Likes
I have lots of stories with that moral.
When my kids were young we used to.take them toboganning at the local hill. The whole town would be there. So one day we were watching the kids have fun, and the boy come over and asks if he can take the toboggan over this double bump someone had built. My spouse was like no.way, its dangerous. I disagreed. this wasnt mount olympia or something.
A bit of back and forth and i eventually said fine, gimme the sled. Ill do it.
I grabbed the sled and went barrelling down the hill.hit the first bump, and the toboggan came out from under me. I landed sitting up on the top of the second bump.
I ended up flat, unable.to move from the pain, halfway down the bill, with the whole town watching me from the top. My son jumps.on his snow racer and come racing down the hill, right at me. Im yelling dont hit me, dont hit.me because i couldnt move and he was headed right for my face. Close, but he didnt hit me.
So someone callls 911. It took 6 firefighters to carry me up the hill on a backboard. I provided commentary like, sorry guys, i was gonna go on a diet starting next week. And, i dont think buddy at the back here is really doing any lifting.
Off to emerg which was empty because it was superbowl sunday. Anyway, two fractured vertebrae in my back. Out of commission for weeks.
Same moral as the first story.
4 Likes
Origami?
Lol. Sure, she needs to bake cupcakes for 114 orphans, each batch makes 8 cupcakes, the recipe calls for 1/3rd cup flour. Etc.
Years ago I ran a 5k, that might’ve been a 6k. There was an ‘add-on’ to the run that let you run up a hill to the highest point in SW Ontario and ring a bell. Which, I did.
I came in third last in the race, because I beat a disabled girl and the person who was assisting her.
Anyway, the point is that when I got back to the finish line, all the hamburgers were gone.
4 Likes
Actuarial short story.
I was writing the final exam for actsci 231, theory of interest. The question involved finding how many days of interest were credited. I did the math, and concluded negative 12 days. I had just enough time to look at my answer and think, well hell, I don’t think that’s right, and they called time on the exam.
That’s the day I knew I’d not make it as an actuary lol.
1 Like
A true story follows.
Went shopping with my wife and eldest child the other day. There were some thermos type containers. The sign said spoon in cap. I looked at it and it wasn’t obviously clipped to it, so I figured I needed to twist the cap open to get to it. I gave it a turn and split the top apart where it was glued. I laughed and said “Ha, look how strong I am! I ripped that clean apart.” Mrs G deadpanned “Not a car door”.
Those readers without perfect recall may need a bit of backstory. I once mentioned (one of) the reason(s) I tread lightly with my dear wife. We have a minivan that was having trouble with a sticky sliding door for years. Finally as it got worse, a frustrated Mrs G literally ripped the entire door off the van; it was dangling by the cables.
3 Likes
Actually this inspired a complicated pretend, where, when trapped in cartoon land, she had to follow a bunch of rules:
- if she meets a predator, she needs to spell its name, or it would gobble her up.
- if she meets a letter, she needs to spell a word that starts with that letter, or it would gobble her up.
- If she meets numbers, she has to ask a question, if they answer yes, she adds them together, if no, then subtracts them, or they would gobble her up.
- If she meets a human, no matter who, she has to assume they are a witch or wizard in disguise and to lie to them, always, no matter what.
Fun times ensued.