No Turning Back - a story of overcoming my fears at Home Depot

The day began like any other. Peaceful. Quiet. But for a little rumble in my tummy. A busy day of home Renovations to do. I get my list together and drive 15 minutes south. I’m pushing my little cart in home depot and feel a touch gassy. Nothing out of the ordinary. And nothing that a little “fart and cart” can’t fix. “Fart and cart” is my method where I openly fart in a Home Depot (as quietly as I can) but gently keep moving through the aisle so that no one can pinpoint where it came from. It’s inspired by crop dusting but must be performed in a busy home supplies store.

Well I knew I had made an irreversible mistake when I felt a hot baja blast hit the south wall of my Levis. This was more than just a fart. I stop in my tracks. The level of disappointment in myself is almost equal to the day I realized that no one knew or cared about what associate actuary meant no matter how many times I brought it up on dates. I’ve shit my pants in public many times before this. I’ve handled crises before. But this time was different. I felt older. Wiser. So I made a decision.

It’s time to stop running in fear. It’s time to stand up. I drove 15 minutes to get here and I wasn’t going to turn back like a coward. I’m going to finish shopping and then I’m going to clean up the mess. So that’s what I did. I smiled at people as I strolled by. I flirted with the girl at the self check out. The ultimate power move.

And as I drove home sitting in what felt like a cold plate of sphagetti, I knew something special had happened that day. I was entering a new chapter of my life. I was ready to slide on the adult diapers of my golden years without shame. Without fear.

Why not go into the bathroom, clean up and throw your underwear away? Or we’re going commando?

  • Why not go into the bathroom, clean up and throw your underwear away? Or we’re going commando?

Because that’s what cowards do. And yes I was wearing underwear. I had an easy way out. And I chose the hard way because it was the path least traveled.

“He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson

You know, they have a whole aisle full of toilets.


this was more of a shop vac situation


They have those, too. Could’ve asked for a demonstration from one of the orange bibs

Or those stacks of orange buckets.

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If there’s any key mistake one can make at a home depot, its asking one of these junior enforcers a question about anything.

I regret clicking on this.




Your next fear to conquer right there. Just gaze deeply into the eyes of the woman working the paint counter and let loose.

Reminds me of this story:

For some reason every time I walk into Office Depot or I guess a bookstore I get the urge to poop.

This is a known phenomenon most commonly associated with bookstores and libraries. Mariko Aoki phenomenon - Wikipedia.

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Kink unlocked

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just make sure it’s not a smoothie

My work here is done