Jokes

[JFG]

Q: Why does Santa have such a big sack?

A: Because he only comes once a year.

[Breadmaker]

[1695814]

Why did the AO chicken cross the road to GoA?

To play in the RPS tournament. ← clicky clicky

[ArthurItas]

People are saying that Tesla’s don’t have a new car smell

They have an Elon musk

[Actuary321]

I was quite surprised to hear the stationary store moved.

[Actuary321]

Last night I accidentally took my cat’s medication.

Don’t ask meow.

[PatientZombie]

Last night I arrived early for my dinner reservation. I checked in at the desk and the manager said the table would be ready soon, would I mind waiting a bit. I replied, “No, that’s fine”

So, he handed me two glasses and said “Take these to table nine”

[1695814]

If you would look up the word plethora for me it would mean a lot.

[1695814]

I was in the mood to tell everyone a funny new story about time travel, but you guys didn’t like it…

[DeepPurple]

I’m starting a new club for time travelers. If you would like to join, the first meeting was last Thursday at 7pm at the library.

[SteveWhite]

[BG5150]

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

[BG5150]

I’m writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don’t buy it.

[ViceFleeble]

Yesterday a friend complained that she didn’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. So I told her 2/14.

[BG5150]

An atom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Bartender slides him a drink and the atom downs it. The bartender asks “Hey, buddy, you all right? You look terrible.”

The atom says “I do feel terrible. I just lost an electron.”

The bartender replies: “Are you sure?”

The atom says: “I’m positive.”

[SpaceLobster]

I replaced the bed with a trampoline.
The wife hit the roof

[Mathman]

I hope I haven’t already posted this one.

Where does the Helsinki marathon end?

At the Finnish line.

It’s a running joke around the office.

[Vorian_Atreides]

[Jasper07734]

Q: Why was e^x fired from teaching?

Summary

A: Because no matter how he differentiated his instruction or integrated his curriculum, the result was always the same.

[dr_t_non-fan]

I thought it was going to be a nice sunny day, then the clouds started moving in.
I asked Siri on my iPhone,
“Siri, surely it won’t rain today will it?”
Siri responded, “It will rain, and don’t call me Shirley.”
.
.
.
.
That is when I realized…
.
.
.
.

I had my phone in Airplane mode.