It’s hard to explain a metaphor to a kleptomaniac. They take things literally.
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I had a routine physical.
My Doctor told me “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “Like bacon and hamburgers?”
He said, “No Fatty, Don’t eat ANYTHING!”
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If two vegetarians are in a fight do we still say they have a beef with one another?
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Mini Me and I are watching the opening ceremony on DVR. She’s enjoying all the shots of the Eiffel Tower.
Mini Me: Did you know that a frog can jump higher than the Eiffel Tower?
Me: What? No it can’t!
Mini Me: Yes it can… a frog can jump pretty high but the Eiffel Tower can’t jump at all!
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These are all from Diana Cowern, aka The Physics Girl.
She made a separate twittererer account for long covid, https://twitter.com/diannahaze. The first dozen or so posts, however, were jokes/puns for her own entertainment.
Why do storm chasers get sick often?
Because they’re always driving themselves under the weather.
I hate the new fruit delivery app.
It drives me bananas.
How do you make your dryer run more quietly?
You put a sock in it
I stole some grass right from under your gnomes.
Joe is a quiet fellow. He goes fishing by himself in silence, and brings very little bait. He is a man of few worms.
That’s a shit-ton of dad jokes.
I will be returning them to their rightful place: my mouth.
Waze has a “Dad Joke” option for route guidance, which Mini Me loves.
She wasn’t with me today, but I heard this gem:
Police reported ahead. Be careful if you’re in an electric car. You could get charged with battery.
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A truck carrying a bunch of crows almost collided with a car. Good thing the crows warned the truck driver just in time by screaming " caw, caw, caw, caw…"
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Similar, along a certain stretch of highway where there was a blind curve, they noticed that crows were being killed by collisions with trucks and buses but not by cars. Upon further research they found that the crows had set a look out but it didn’t seem to help when trucks and buses came along. Upon further study they found the lookouts could only warn them of “caw, caw, caw”.
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My kids call these “mom jokes” ’ cause I’m the corny one in the family, apparently.
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ifyp
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I just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary. The words I saw were disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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distressing
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That must be disheartening
I have a dentist appointment on Monday…it’s at tooth-hurty. 
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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The bartender goes, your in here an awful lot do you think maybe you’re an alcoholic?
The horse goes, I don’t think I am. And then poof he vanishes from existence.
You see the joke is dependent on upon Descartes’ famous philosophy of “I think, therefor I am”.
But putting that part before the part about the bar will be putting Descartes before the horse.
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A skunk, a deer, and a duck went to a bar. When it was time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put everything on the duck’s bill.
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We were out with my grand kids when my granddaughter asks my wife if she knows how to get out of a ticket?
She then said, when the policeman asks your name tell him it is “Frida Go”. Then when he says, “you’re Frida Go, ma’am?” Tell him “thank you” and just drive off.
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What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathema-chicken
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