Trying to come back and do updates on stuff.
It’s … almost 4 months since Dad died? The emotional part was done in the 1st day. The last time I cried about it was having to tell one of my best friends that afternoon, and that was one of those “I’m bawling on her shoulder for probably 10 minutes, and I can’t stop and I really don’t care, and she’s letting me go” moments. After that initial day it’s been more “do stuff that needs to be done, helping Sister #2 with things as she needs” and then thinking about Dad whenever someone asks. Or, you know, when I’m writing something like this.
The last few months were bad. Dad spent nearly the entire day lying in bed, because he couldn’t do much more. Staff could get him up and take him for meals, he’d vaguely feed himself but everything had to be blended because he couldn’t chew. Out of a “plate” of food, he’d get about half of it to his mouth and maybe half of that actually went inside. He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t change his own clothes, he could provide minimal (and diminishing) help with changing clothes and such, but it was hard to watch someone who was 6’2" and a solid 220 lbs. waste away to the point that near the end, he was under 150 lbs. It wasn’t him, and when his two cousins came to see him for the last time you could tell they were shocked because it wasn’t remotely who they remember seeing. And of course by this point Dad really can’t show any emotion, but the look in Dad’s eye was closer to embarrassment at having to be seen like that.
That’s why I keep saying I’m glad he’s gone, because that wasn’t Dad. That was a physical shell of him, it was something he never wanted to be and none of us ever wanted him to be, and there wasn’t a thing we could do about it.
We did a visitation for him, more for family and friends. There was a video of pictures of Dad’s life, a number of which I’d never seen. (And as I sit and type this, I don’t think I have a copy of that. Note on the board for it.) I liked that a number of the guys he used to work with were out, and I liked that a handful of others stopped by. I’m a little irked that some people didn’t show up - especially all the yeah, really sorry, I’ll be there for the service crowd - and I heard from a few of them after. That’s their problem to deal with, not mine.
I gave the eulogy for Dad. I think I went about 30 minutes, but I tried to capture everything about Dad from his difficult childhood, our struggles in getting along at times, and our growing together and his becoming a grandfather and his getting closer to his cousins and such. I had vaguely telegraphed things to my sisters, so as I went to tell one story they started snickering and I stopped and looked at them stone-faced and said “this is not that funny, please quit laughing.” To which they started laughing out loud, and I said “this is a serious time, I know you think this is funny but it’s not, please show a little respect” and then everyone started laughing. And then I told the story about Dad getting put in jail with his friends one night, which … really was a funny story.
Dad and Mom went “back home” to the town they grew up in. We did shots of Irish creme whiskey to celebrate, and their spots in the mausoleum are now etched with their names and dates and something that reflected them. I haven’t been back since, I’m not sure when I’ll do that, but at some point we’ll go down just to see that.
It still sucks that the last ~4 years, he couldn’t talk and all the stories about his life that I didn’t hear are gone. That bothers me more than Dad dying, so I’m trying to loosely document stuff that the kids ask about so that they don’t have the same experience. But beyond that, I’m good and vastly more relieved than upset about everything. The grieving was done years prior. Everything else now is the living after.