I would still love to get their mom’s credit report, but that will require legal intervention and with me being in a different state than where she lived, that’s a bigger time/money sink than I want to make unless I don’t have any other choice.
It’s too bad your “denied claim from the credit agency” won’t play as well as a movie compared to the “denied claims from insurance companies” or I’d buy the movie rights from you!
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It’s a horror movie script, but the studios will probably reject it in favor of some shittastic movie version of Mr. Belvedere.
Late last night, we were watching TV and chatting with Goddaughter.
She was discussing a portion of her family and said something like, “Yeah and the whole family ended up in a big fight, which kind of makes sense, you know that whole side of the family is Jewish”
I registered that and thought… Okay, it’s 11 PM. This isn’t going to slide, but I’m going to discuss it tomorrow after work.
Immediately, Goddaughter stopped, thought. Perhaps she noticed a vibe shift from Partner.
And she said, “I’m sorry, that’s a stereotype, ignore I said that, please”
We have a good one y’all. I can tell this was an unconscious bias instilled into her and she’s actively working to not think that way.
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Ugh, I’m going to go light on details because I know I’ll go down rabbit holes if I don’t.
Goddaughter long ago submitted “unusual circumstances” FAFSA form for being out of an abusive household.
Various holdups. Any call to them is at least a 3-hour process. A big hold-up of weeks was that they finally said we needed more details about dad’s abuse specifically. Then, holding us up a few more weeks, we need more detail about the ongoing relationship. THEN, FINALLY, after all these re-dos and re-waits,
We call and hold for hours and find in ANOTHER iteration we need to submit the letters WET-SIGNED and scanned and submitted in that manner
THEN triggering another up-to-8-week wait. In the meantime her tuition is about to hit the “special circumstances” late due date where there will be penalties, and when she asked if she should pay because she doesn’t know what will happen with FAFSA, they said, “I guess you can, if you want.”
Now we’re waiting on a flighty family who is just not signing their letter for over a week. Goddaughter is being tentative about being pushy but has texted them a couple of times. I have put my foot down. November 20, I am on their doorstep with the letter and a pen in my hand if they have not signed and delivered it.
Altogether, we have some more detail than I shared, like regarding her late fees. We need to figure some shit out, we might have to pay a semester right out of her pocket at least for now upfront, which we can do. But this is ridiculous.
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Been watching her grow. Former Mother (FM) texted her 10 days ago. FM’s school had an active shooter threat that was nothing in the end. FM basically said “Oh I have never really felt threatened, but just remember if anything ever happens to me, I always love you!”
Bitch.
She’s invited to my family Thanksgiving/Christmas. Haven’t asked Partner yet but I’m sure Goddaughter is also invited to their family’s… if Goddaughter wants to deal with the MAGA in-laws. Goddaughter is actually “inherited” from the in-laws, who are getting elderly. She would be our God-sister, and MIL gets pissy when she hears us call her Goddaughter. Partner tries to be careful about it… I don’t generally antagonize MIL, but I don’t worry. She’s Goddaughter.
Goddaughter as a young queer is allowed to not see the MAGA/QAnon people while they get drunk over holidays if she doesn’t want to, and I’d support it.
I didn’t ask my parents yet, but our attendance is contingent on it. Of course I’ll politely ask them, we like each other. Goddaughter hasn’t really had a Thanksgiving, it turns out. They’ve done a grocery store dinner with her sister and parents, but not a big family one. Excited to give that to her.
She’s our godsdamn family. I define myself as her godparent, and I’m happy to always be godparent and Rastiln to her. I’ll also go toe to toe with her parents if needed. If she’s comfortable, she is invited to our family functions.
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Been getting a little worried about her little expenditures, though. Partner and I agree about it. We understood that she might have gone on a little spending spree for a bit being out of the house. Parents really discouraged many little fun things that are innocent and cheap.
However, some of it is becoming a little much. Little bags of coffee from YouTube influencers that are fine, whatever, we’ll use it, but… not cheap at all. And tea. And $3 of stickers from China. And a $12 shirt. And the Misfits food delivery box, which is not cheap. (We might seriously force-end this.) And…
Thinking through her finances, she might not be in a bad position depending on her FAFSA. But we don’t know the situation with her FAFSA. That determines a lot. We’re getting to the point that post-move-out whimsy fun-time needs to slow.
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I think her issue if it makes sense - she is generally aware of the value of a dollar but has no concept of tracking total net worth, which starts with an emergency fund.
She insists on being paid in a check so she had to deposit it and see her balance, which isn’t a bad start for somebody who recognizes that issue. But she’s very loosey-goosey with her money, and currently she has us bolstering her.
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The Jews love fighting stereotype
This one is new to me
Minor developments in Goddaughter’s relationship to family.
I mentioned previously, she had a phone call with a couple of siblings who are still in a low-contact mode with their parents. Both of them emphatically told her, she was doing the right thing, [for them, step-]Mom is crazy and difficult to deal with.
This week, Goddaughter is attending the travel basketball game of her little sister, who is a district-awarded varsity starter in 3 different sports. She will be going with my retired MIL, who strictly is the actual godmother of Goddaughter and is still trusted by Goddaughter’s mom. In comparison, we found out recently she’s intensified her beliefs that “we are the problem” and “stole her daughter” and are “filling her mind with dangerous ideas” like “you don’t need to starve yourself to keep weight” and “it’s your hair, cut it if you want” and “sure, go on a date with that 21-y/o woman from Hinge if you want to.”
In a group setting of MAGA people like at Thanksgiving, I don’t trust MIL. However, in a one-on-one setting I think MIL will be good. She’s quite uncomfortable around gay people despite her sister being gay, but I think she’s a good person. Honestly, Partner and I fully believe she’d be a moderate liberal if not for FIL and 40 years of him shouting conservative propaganda while Fox/OANN/NRA TV plays.
So for Goddaughter, this will be nice for her to go and support her little sister, say hi and hopefully chat for 10 minutes although I’m sure Little Sister will need to pack up and go. It’s a very noticeable, “I traveled almost 2 hours each way to watch you move a ball”. It shows Little Sister that whatever Former Mother may say, Goddaughter hasn’t abandoned Sister. Goddaughter also texts her on occasion, but as a 17-year-old in an abusive household, Little Sister is withdrawn.
Mother does the same shit to Little Sister. The girl is like a 150-pound brick of muscle, as I said getting awards in multiple sports. But Mother calls her fat, tries to assign her diets.
I don’t know the ongoing situation, but Former Mother has also tried to have Little Sister weigh herself daily to make sure she wasn’t getting too fat. I think that got enough pushback that it ended, but who knows what else is happening.
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Cross-posting to happy thoughts.
Just received a letter from [financial institution]. After sending a small packet of information out explaining things in fairly exhaustive detail, they’ve written back: m’s account is cleared. The exact language is “a deletion occurred as a result of insufficient evidence to conclude account ownership liability” - which, I have no idea what “a deletion occurred” is supposed to mean - but the bottom line is, [financial institution] says it’s contacting all credit reporting agencies to request it be deleted from m’s credit report.
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Dealing with some combo annoyance to me and on Goddaughter’s behalf.
Goddaughter has another college-aged friend from high school, which was in a different city, who lives here with their father. We were friendly with the both of them before this connection to Goddaughter, so with Goddaughter around we’ve gotten closer.
Summarizing a long tangential story, they’ve always been slightly leeches, but eating our chips and such and never reciprocating, I can live with that level of spending on others. We’ve cut them off from anything larger after learning a lesson over one non-cheap dinner that was never reciprocated.
Each of them has owed Goddaughter $120 for tickets she purchased in June. The father just paid his $120 after I “mentioned in passing” that Goddaughter mentioned she hadn’t been paid yet, so they were aware I knew, but the adult daughter owes on her own and hasn’t paid. They also are obligated to give us some money so we can make a group purchase that they suggested for another event, and have been dragging their feet. We have speculated they are hard up for cash, which is fine, but if that’s the case, we cannot make plans, and seats sell out, and there is a flight involved even.
I might’ve mentioned before, this family offered upfront back when things happened to pay for Goddaughter’s phone bill. So they might support about 5-10% of her monthly cost, we support most of the remainder, she pays auto insurance and a little extra.
She just drove 2 hours out of town… and her phone service stopped. Says she must call Verizon. Thankfully, she knows the path well, because she doesn’t know how to use a map. We might be adding her tomorrow.
Now I have to approach this other family and… I can craft a nice message, I’m sure. I’ll have to be more blunt than anybody would like.
While they might not be the most deserving of consideration due to past behavior, I can’t see how it hurts to be nice while being direct. Someone with entirely the best intentions might have a change in circumstance that they are embarrassed about. One way to think about it is they didn’t have to cover it this long anyway.
Something as simple as
Verizon told gd her bill wasn’t paid. Are you still intending to handle the phone bill? If it is a mistake, please contact Verizon to fix it. If you are no longer able to do it, just let us know so she can get a plan. Either way we’d like to get this taken care of very quickly so she has service on her trip.
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Glad it worked out.
Learning this with a small amount of money can be a very valuable lesson.
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I broke a small post trying to edit it and didn’t care to retype it. Gone.
Just resubmitted her special circumstances FAFSA for the fourth time, hopefully this time they’ve thought to tell us all their special requirements that they didn’t tell us the first 3 times. This time, each letter needed to be signed and dated and scanned or mailed, unlike the first 3 times where they didn’t tell us any of this before rejecting the FAFSA for other reasons.
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JFC, next time get someone on the phone and say “if you’re going to just say no, do it already - otherwise, tell us everything you need so we can send it, instead of this bullshit game where every time we send you what you say you want you decide you need something else, in some specific way.”
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I’m sure that’s super annoying. But I’ll venture to guess that there is no small amount of FAFSA fraud with people trying to game the system. That said, you’d think their requirements for what they need would be spelled out and reasonably clear, especially since those that need it the most are probably going to have the most trouble jumping through all the hoops. Its good she has an advocate like you willing to Shepard it through.
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Yeah, I am certain by this point that without us, Goddaughter would have thrown up her hands, taken out a loan, and called it a day.
She may yet have to, because we don’t know if the school will consider her to be abused enough. One person on the phone from her uni quite rudely said “It’s not enough that your parents just don’t financially support you”. We’ll see if they ultimately decide that her trauma is sufficient.
It’s not the end of the world if she needs loans, just a bummer. She may take loans even with the maximum assistance. I’d be happy with just part of the max possible assistance, too.
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While I’m certainly sympathetic to her getting aid. From the thread it sounds like her dad at least is a high wage earner who could easily afford paying for her and thus she sounds like the type of applicant that tend to upset a certain demographic who feel she’s freeloading the system. Not that I feel that way, but she sure sounds like the type of person where a group will say “why hell should I be supporting some surgeon’s kid with my taxes so he can have a frigging yacht?”
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He is at a decent earner since he’s about 70 years old and still working. Though their family is constantly financially insecure, that is due to their own actions, not lack of income, and they could certainly support her.
That entails full capitulation back to the weigh-yourself-daily and stay under 110 pounds (which gave her anorexia), track your location 24/7 as an adult, you must take the major we want, rush this sorority, wear these clothes, keep your hair this way. (She changed her major from Musical Theater to Business when she left home and changed colleges. She enjoyed theater as a hobby - not a career.) Back where Mom pressures her to get a breast enlargement and forces her on blind dates with random men from church, when she prefers women, and she certainly can’t date any women or mention that she isn’t straight, though Mom knows. And so on.
I’d pay for her college before sending her back. Of course, unless she chose to go back. I don’t see it happening, though we’re still careful not to complain much about her parents in front of her.
I certainly see how it could come across like “Daddy won’t pay for me, give me money.”
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