The 2nd-most anticipated moment you’ve all been waiting for: the two songs that will meet in the 2024 Worst Christmas Song Tournament final.
Semifinal #1
Taylor Swift may have a magic touch with the Chiefs, but her rendition of “Santa Baby” didn’t repulse the masses in a similar fashion. Instead, it was #1 overall seed and odds-on favorite “The Christmas Shoes” from NewSong getting everyone’s vitriol in a 14-3 drubbing. Is there a remaining song capable of stopping the sob story about buying shoes for a dying mom?
Semifinal #2
In an unexpected twist, two other thoroughly reviled songs managed to split everyone’s nauseated feelings and votes, ending in a 9-9 tie and forcing tiebreaking procedures to be devised.
The criteria used included, among other things:
How much Ted hates each song [Hippopotamus wins hands down]
How much Mrs. Hoffman hates each song [Funky Xmas, because she takes the opposite side of the argument out of spite]
How much Ted’s kids hate each song [Funky Xmas wins hands down]
Which song attracted more negative comments in this thread [Funky Xmas]
Which song caused the cat sitting on my lap to get up and walk off [Hippopotamus]
A roll of two 10-sided dice
After compiling all the criteria, “Funky, Funky Xmas” by New Kids On the Block advances via UTB over “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” from Gayla Peevey, who’ll have to go back to singing that everywhere she goes because she’s not getting our title.
Will it be the newer, cringy classic that I can’t ever recall being played on the airwaves? Or will it be the older, cringy non-classic that I also can’t ever recall being played on the airwaves? We’ll all find out with your votes, as we get ready to crown our first-ever Worst Christmas Song champion that may become the new Whamageddon contest for 2025 [or not … maybe hopefully not].
Which song will take home the uncoveted title as the Worst Christmas Song Ever for 2024?
GoActuary, your votes will decide. Polls are open now, and will close sometime after 6pm on December 24. Vote early, and if you have the means to do so, vote often.
This was indeed a very tough decision. I did listen to both songs again, which are unfortunately both 5 minutes long. If one was 3 minutes, then that would have made it less worse.
Christmas Shoes is a Certified Gold Record
NKOTB Christmas Album went double platinum, reaching #9 on the Billboard Album Chart
OK – I voted for NKOTB, but then changed my vote after seeing the Arsenio live version. The live version is WAAYY better than the studio version. Not joking! So HAVE A FUNKY FUNKY CHRISTMAS!
I’ve been handed an envelope that contains the final results as verified by the official auditor of the tournament, Gorvamp and Gorvamp. The winner, by an 11-8 split decision, is …
…
(Camera pans to 136 faces looking nervously)
…
“Funky, Funky Xmas” by that should-have-been-forgotten 80s/90s boys band, New Kids On the Block.
Yes, in a stunning upset NKOTB crawls out of the Bing Crosby Division as a 4-seed to take down the tournament’s top-seed from the Santa Claus Division, NewSong whose classic ear-piercing “Christmas Shoes” apparently suffered a blowout in the final steps to glory.
Congrats to NKOTB, who can now celebrate this as their 3rd biggest accomplishment behind “got teenage girls to throw shitloads of money at them ~35 years ago” and " got 40-50 year old females to throw more shitloads of money at them on their reunion tour that they’ll probably do again in 10, 15 and 25 years from now."
Thank you to everyone who participated in voting throughout the tournament. Special thanks to all of you who offers up thoughts and commentary, and a truly special thanks to Mrs. Hoffman who may have glared at me several times as I sought out suitable candidates for the tournament and may have made more than one threat over it.
Make sure to celebrate the winning song with your friends, especially celebrate it with your enemies, and have whatever kind of holiday season you want, with whoever you want!
If we didn’t already have a March Madness tournament, I had thought about a “Greatest Day in March” tournament. Literally, which of the 31 days is the best. However, we have a longstanding tournament and I don’t want to intrude on that.
Don’t think I’ll have time to throw together a Valentine’s Day tournament. It’s not really that there’s “Valentine’s Day” songs so much as there are love songs; there are some cringy love songs - and then there’s debates over whether something is a love song or not.
Muskrat Love? Loving You? Instant contenders for a “worst love song” title. You’ll hear them and your neighbors will hear your skin crawl.
Lady in Red? Apparently it makes some people’s worst lists, which fathoms me.
“(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” by Bryan Adams? Some people will say oh, that’s such a romantic song and I feel like time stands still for an excruciating half hour when it comes on.
“My Heart Will Go On?” I don’t know if it’s a love song, but if it is it could go on for a while, and a while, and a while longer depending on pairings.
“You Were Meant For Me” by Jewel? Well, I guess it’s a I’m thinking of you, I like you sing, but love song? Hmm …
“More Than Words” by Extreme? Um … also didn’t think of it as a love song, but would qualify for “annoying” if it does.
I’ll leave that for someone else who wants to take that up and provide backbiting commentary as needed.
