What is the real harm of doing things too fast in a relationship

I never got why you can’t say I love you on the first day/week/month/year or whatever rule people arbitrarily assign based on their own experience.

Or that you can’t move in too soon. Or do X Y Z too soon.

How about, if you feel like you love someone, you say it. If you want to live together, do it. If you want to fuck on the first date even if you believe this is your soul mate, then fuck away.

What exactly are people waiting for? Life is too short to be waiting. If you want to do something, do it. If you feel something, feel it with all your heart. If you love someone at first sight, then that is love.

And to the naysayers, don’t tell people their feelings aren’t valid.

:popcorn:

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I love you, John.

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You can do all of things, what makes you think you “can’t?”

I personally don’t do those things because I feel they can be manipulative. Waiting until I’m pretty sure the other person loves me before I say I love them makes me feel like we are building the relationship together, so I’m not trying to pick out the window treatments while they’re still figuring out how to lay the foundation.

That’s me. I move slow. I want to be with people who move slow. But you shouldn’t feel pressured to change who you are, and you should definitely feel that you can be with someone who has the same mindset that you do.

Unless you’re saying that other people in the relationship have to be comfortable with you saying I love you right away - because they definitely might not be, and that’s ok too.

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Isn’t this kind of manipulative too? You’re hiding your feelings from the other person until you can be assured that you won’t be let down.
It seems self-serving if that’s the reason.

This seems to be in danger of devolving into a two-way mind game.

Assuming you actually love the person of course. It takes time to develop that feeling for some people, but to others, the feeling can be spontaneous.

I don’t know, I’ve been on the receiving end of a premature “I love you” and it definitely made me feel like I had to say it back - although I didn’t mean it - or else break up. They were trying to take the relationship to the next level before I was ready, and I felt really uncomfortable about it, and wondered what made them believe that I would want to hear that at that point of the relationship.

It’s like asking someone to marry you. They can either say yes, or you can break up. Sure, you could stay together after a “no” or “not right now, but maybe someday,” but it doesn’t often happen, probably because the two people are not on the same page.

I guess I would rather be with someone who treated me well and reciprocated my feelings at the same level and waited to say I love you until they were confident our relationship could move forward to that stage, than be with someone who tried to force the relationship forward too quickly. Maybe all relationships are manipulation, but that specific kind of manipulation isn’t benevolent.

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This sounds like the potential beginnings of a manspeak thread…

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Looks like we have a Rulebreaker 2.0 here.

(The original Rulebreaker is now serving as an interim director of a chorus in which I sing.)

there’s only men in my relationships

@John.S.Mill : DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTZZZZ!!!

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lol. nothing triggered this. I’m still in a LTR.

Happy V day~

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Smoothie would have gotten to this eventually. No need to steal his thunder.
MYOB.

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I think you should wait 12 months before committing. For instance, disagreement on the importance of referring consistency during a Super Bowl could be a show stopper.

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image

One certainly needs to be confident in the “I love you”-return.

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I posted this before, but I’ve got a buddy who said “You don’t want me to be emotionally open? Not gonna happen.”. Same guy hugs me and gives me a kiss on the cheek every time we meet.

I’ve been erroneously confident before.

I’ve learned that the way to happiness is to not constantly be afraid of what the other person may or may not say.

If you feel like you love the other person, then two things can happen:

  1. The other person also loves you at least the same amount. Then great. You found mutual love. Jackpot.

  2. The other person loves you less than the same amount. Welp, at this point, how the other person reacts is out of your hands. You either move on, because you’re not on the same page, or maybe the other person wants to wait and see, in which case, you may choose to wait too because you love them, or you can choose to move on, because you want someone who can reciprocate and life is too short to wait on another person. If they feel that the love is “too soon”, or they feel “pressured”, that’s on them, and at the end of the day, if you aren’t on the same page, then it really doesn’t matter, better find out early.

In scenario 2, whatever the other person feels doesn’t change how you feel towards them. I don’t see the point of hiding how you feel. You don’t control the other person’s feelings, but you can be in charge of your own.

Don’t be a minuteman imo

Also, don’t drive too fast. Speeding kills.

Miscommunication.