I certainly know what my dad would have done. My dad nearly fired the gardener when I’d graduated college but hadn’t found a job yet. I remember him saying “we’re paying $x for a guy to do the weeding out there while you’re sitting in here, no more. If you don’t have a job by the end of the month I’m getting rid of them”
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Well, I have to watch my tendencies towards low-income blue collar bullshit on this stuff. We want him to stay as long as he wants to, rent-free, and feel comfortable. And we want him to find the right career, even if that takes some time.
But, all of that comes with the expectation that he’s moving forward, not just coasting, or as of right now, moving backwards and pointing at random stuff. So we’ll have a convo around that.
He could help around the house more, even just by stopping all the clutter. Spouse and I keep a tidy organized house, and with the two of them, every spot is a spot to throw your s*** down on for three days. But, I won’t even mention that though it drives me and my spouse nuts. His GF does the same thing, but in her defence, she makes a full restuarant-level meal 2-3 times a week and that’s more than enough for me to say she’s contributing more than her share. Last night we had some lamb dish that involved searing then in the oven with spices and vegetables plus some fancy rice. It was gooooood :).
I’m conflicted between having been trained on tendencies like your father, and my specific decision NOT to be like that. Kids stay here as long as they need to, and they’re welcomed, and we help them launch their career and get through school without debt. But yeah, the mofo could cut the lawn once in a while lol.
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28 is, IMO, pretty old to be living at home without significant progress.
I mean, my brother did that for 4 years with my parents, but had extenuating circumstances where his life would have continued to fall apart had they not re-parented him.
I would have a difficult time with your situation. Does he really help out at all? I worry he’s enjoying the no-responsibility, expense-free life and if he mows the lawn once he might be expected to do it again. Or maybe I’m off-base.
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in some cultures it’s young (because there is no maximum age to stay at home 
)
He was making progress. He was in school until last year working towards a PhD. It’s only been about a year, a bit less, since he’s made no progress. If he was 18, that’d be OK, but given his age, he needs to pick a lane and commit to something, he doesn’t have 3 years to waste.
I just had a convo with him. I laid out a decision tree for him to go through and decide what it is that he wants to do. Told him there’s no deadline on anything as long as it makes him successful in a career he wants, but he needs to make a decision and start working towards it. If he wants to go back to Phd, he can stay here another 3 years no problem. If he wants to do something else that requires schooling, also no deadline. If he wants a career in the field of his schooling, also no deadline he just needs to be committed to doing whatever it takes to make that happen.
Second part of the convo was about budget. Last year this time he was like 10K in credit card debt. We went through his finances, and he fixed it in like less than three months. Then over the rest of the year he’s been working and saved nothing. So that’s not good. So we’re going to get a grip on his savings as well. Working+living at home he should’ve saved $25K by now and he’s got nada.
Anyway, he’s a great kid, not lazy or unmotivated. just needed to get repointed.
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Good you’re addressing this. I’ve seen a number of these “I have literally 0 expenses and have income and accumulated $0” situations and I don’t understand, like, you have a roof and free food, what is going on?
Yeah I get where you’re coming from. I think it depends a lot on the child. When I went to college my parents had no financial issue paying for it whatsoever, but my first year was abysmal so my dad set up a contract with me whereby he’d reimburse me according to a schedule dictated by my GPA. I nearly couldn’t afford to go back the next semester, but I squeezed it out (by opening at Starbucks 5 days a week all summer and then 3 days a week through the school year), and then my GPA increased from toilet-level to exactly what I needed to get fully reimbursed (sometimes I wonder if he’d set the bar at 4.0 would I have just gotten 4.0…)
He didn’t do that with my siblings who have had their own struggles, but they generally found motivation in other ways and it wouldn’t have been effective. I was immature for my age in college and had never really been forced to learn good study habits (something that the actuarial exams would eventually iron out of me).
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Great believer in this.
Both my daughter and her daughter took a sabbatical year but both did theirs before age 20. I also took a sabbatical but waited until age 50 to do it. Wish I had done it in my 20’s.
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Costco from what i can tell.
I’d love to know more of what’s going on in his head. Maybe back to the kid’s thread? He has a master’s right. And PhD and professorship was the life-goal. Any reason for the sudden twist? I mean, besides that academia grinds people down? I can relate to wanting to teach, and wanting to be a fire-fighter for that matter. Not so sure about sales-person, lol.
What’s he thinking about broadly? And what are his broader interests, besides presumably science?
I dunno. I think he didnt like the PhD environment he was in, govt lab and maybe not the best supervisor.that maybe killed the dream.
I suggested sales in the field he’s in. Stay in the field, but he’s a people person so it would be a good fit.
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Thanks for this post. I’ve got one with “failure to launch”. It bothers me more, but that’s probably because it’s gone on longer than yours.
I do come from the low income background and not being laser focused on self support is a moral issue with me.
But, we’ve put a ton of money into supporting a kid. If he lived with us, that would at least be cheaper. I can’t imagine a girlfriend, too, but that may reflect a smaller house.
No advice from me. I didn’t do the budget thing early and should have, so you’re ahead of me there.
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Teacher is a good job for a people person to try out, can be a temp job while you figure out what you really want, or a permanent one if you like it. As far as I’m aware, they don’t have a problem finding jobs, don’t make much, but they maybe have somewhat better hours than some other jobs (after the first couple years, where they have to figure out the lesson plans that work for them), and have more reliable salaries than salespersons (ymmv). It’s probably best to try that job out before sinking more school into it anyway, as you have to have a certain personality to be a teacher.
Your son might be able to start applying now to a part time job. I don’t know how it works where you are. Substitute teacher is probably not a good idea as it’ll be very difficult. But a part time science teacher might be a good way to put the almost-Phd to work without committing. I don’t know what’s open now - it’s the middle of the school year - but people move all the time so there might be vacancies because of that. If not, then it’s almost time to start planning for September. Do it for a year, then re-evaluate.
On the other hand, if you enjoy sales and are a success at it, it’s hard to argue with that. So many people hate sales and aren’t good at it, that a good salesperson has a big advantage.
I was gonna say go for the teaching or firefighting career path. They both seem to offer a nice path for growth and opportunity
Before I got my FSA I considered joining the army, police force (this was pre BLM/2020), fire fighters, or a rail road company
The main motivation was 20 years of creditable service and you can clock out for good
I sense that your son is a little bit like me
how about actuarial forum IT guy
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or
Sales and marketing for actuarial forum
Yeah, I remember my mom asking me what I wanted to do right after I got out of college, and I told her retire young. But I also paid her the rent, and just wanted to sustain myself. I worked all sorts of temp jobs and applied to everything-- teaching, editing, data-analyst, business analyst, firefighter, truckdriver, what-have-you, but I was pretty much over- or under- qualified for everything permanent. Actuary was just the first thing that stuck. Not really a good lesson to be had there though. I have never fit my job and I never will.
My brother, who is a metaphorical twin of mine, has a better story. He became an engineer because it was hard. Quit because he was working for the military in a dreadful office. Got a masters in Comp-sci because it was interesting, but quit the job because it was pointless and his boss was a cad. Now a poorly paid high school teacher, and swings between being happy and hating his schools, but also cares about teaching in a way that I have never cared about anything in my life.
But I dunno. Everybody is different. And some people have some unexplored needs when they are young-- even in their late 20s.
SL’s kid has a master’s in microbiology, which I think tells me that his path is not exactly the quick and easy path. Even if he can’t mow the fucking lawn.
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Most Canadian provinces have teacher shortages, the pay is good and the pensions are fantastic. Even starting later in life in the profession you will get a great pension: may have to work until 65 rather than mid-50’s though with the late start.
If the kid has good sales skills and would be interested in teaching, that is the direction I would suggest he goes.
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If I had a masters in microbiology I would try to get a job with big pharma and make nice money while hopefully saving people’s lives… but I am sure I over-simplify there. (Probably the saving people’s lives comes at an overpriced cost like everything in health care, but nothing one person can do about that.) Anyway, that’s less of a people person job than sales or teaching. But possibly easier money long term, if you can do the work well.
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