The weekend visits with m and M. TL;DR - it was really good, required serious discussions at times, and required impromptu role playing.
m and M are at separate universities 3 hours apart. We hotel near the middle. The plan is to see M on Thursday and Saturday because it’s Parents Weekend, m on Friday because it’s the only day he has free. We have stuff for them that they’ll need, and a few things they might want that they can look through briefly. We have a couple critical things to get done: (1) get M’s mail finally forwarded correctly, and (2) set up checking and savings accounts for both so they have a reliable place to keep money and they know no one else can touch it [other than Mrs. Hoffman - because they specifically request one of us be on the account with them].
Thursday: we see M. Can’t get mail forwarding done; we have to go find something that shows she’s actually at the new address and the prior notice that got sent timed out so that won’t work. Aggravating, but we’ll work around it. Bank accounts get done … or so we thought. [Back to this in a second.] We go to lunch with M and her friend, who’s a guy. NOT HER BOYFRIEND. Just a friend, who’s a guy … who she likes, but she hasn’t told him because she doesn’t know how he feels - even though the entire time at lunch it’s painfully obvious they like each other. Walk around campus, meet several of M’s friends. Go to M’s dorm, figure out she doesn’t have [list of things] but she swears she doesn’t need them and then says “I’ll figure something out.” This triggers an immediate discussion; her mom said the same thing, which usually meant stealing from the kids’ funds or grifting off someone else. We talk, she understands “I’ll figure something out” is a permanently prohibited phrase. We go to Wal-Mart and buy stuff she needs and is really grateful because “I really didn’t know how I’d get some of this.”
Thursday night, M has band practice (she’s in flag corps), we go watch. It was enjoyable. M also has to go to a recital for one of her music classes. We’re supportive bonus parents so of course we’ll go. I’m not saying I regret that - M is a bonus kid, I’ll be as supportive as I possibly can especially right now - but outside of that it was a once in a lifetime experience. Not that I didn’t know I wasn’t an opera person before, but that hour was the longest 3 hours I’ve had in a little while.
Friday, we go to see m at his college. We get bank accounts set up, after angst from m over how much money is going to be in the accounts. We also find out Mrs. Hoffman is not named on M’s account, other than as a “pay to upon death” so now Saturday morning has to make room for that - and, requires going to a different town where a branch will be open. m also expresses concern about us spending money on things he needs and perhaps even buying tickets to a musical that night; I immediately pull to the side of the road and state it is not m’s place to worry about that, if I have a problem spending money I’ll say so, but we’re in good financial shape and knew we were going to be spending this money and it’s OK. m understands, we go spend money on him and after initial reluctance to get anything picks out a few things he really wants.
We otherwise tool around town, hit [Mrs. Hoffman’s guilty fast-food pleasure], take m out to eat (which he tried to say “it’s going to cost money” and then realized I didn’t care and he enjoyed it), and went to the musical that night. It was very good, much more enjoyable than the opera recital. We go to leave that night, m kept saying “I don’t want you guys to go” with tears streaming down his cheeks. I felt like shit leaving, so good-bye took well over 30 minutes.
Saturday - we go back to see M, who on Friday revealed she has a boyfriend! You know, that guy we met that was not her boyfriend, he was just a friend … who was a guy … who she really liked. Get mail stuff straightened out, get banking stuff straightened out. Walk around campus, see/meet more of M’s friends. M has to go get ready for the music presentation later; we go talk to financial aid and other departments and gather critical information we’re going to need down the road. Music presentation that afternoon; different band and choir ensembles. It was very good. That ends, we meet the boyfriend’s parents.
I don’t remember how we got introduced, if we were “aunt and uncle” or “bonus parents” or whatever. Doesn’t matter. We’re standing in as M’s parents for this. Boyfriend’s parents knew about M because he’d talked about her a lot. They knew some of the stuff going on around her, certainly not all the gritty details. They’re incredibly appreciative of what we’re doing; I comment we’re doing what people should do, we’re just glad they didn’t close ranks and shut everyone out and they’re letting all of us help. Great conversation, everything goes well, and the whole time we’re both thinking um, this is weird, we’re playing mom and dad here to his mom and dad, we’ve barely done that with our kids, I’m so glad [dead mom] and [deadbeat stepdad] aren’t here for this, it would be a fucking disaster. Go to the game, more conversations getting to know each other and such. Mrs. Hoffman and his mom swap phone numbers for future talks. We take M and her boyfriend to her dorm, drop her off and come back to the hotel where after 6 days of running we’re exhausted and sleep all the way until 8am.
And anything else she did under their names or “with their consent” that we may have to clean up, or anything they may get dragged into because of stuff their mom did. Which brings me to: m was going through stuff we’d cleaned up and found their dad’s wallet, which somehow we didn’t see. OK, fine - they have their dad’s wallet, very happy. And then m opens it up and finds credit cards with their name on it. 
Not something we were trying to hide per se, but definitely not something we were throwing at them, oh by the way, I know you’re grieving losing your mom, but do you know she did _______ and ______ and _______ and ________ and … to you, she really was a piece of shit and we’re glad she’s dead? Well, anyway, have a good night, love you both, have a good day tomorrow!
Which, I get, they’re utterly freaked out about spending money, and they tried I swear, I won’t use the debit card again, I’m going to cut it up and put it away after this and we had to have a discussion on spending and it concluded with "go out with your friends, go get something to eat, enjoy it guilt-free, tell us how great it was … and do not cut that card up, you’ll need it for things yet. And, they did go out and enjoy food and were glad they went out - which, they’re a college kid, they 
And this really isn’t a shock, because why would mom worry about the kids health when 