I typed up a response, but it’s just so f***ed up I just don’t even want it out there. 
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Generally agree with this.
It’s a fine line though as you also don’t want to be the guy who comes between her and her mother.
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What a dick.
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She’s fully in agreement that what she went through was abuse. I just helped proofread her final FAFSA personal statement on top of 4 supporting letters and she’s clearly laid it out and is working through it in therapy.
(Forgot to note, we finally have everything for the FAFSA submitted and it’s just on the college to process!! Huge annoyance off the plate, getting personal attestations from various people.)
For my part, I’ve been pretty clear with her. I’m here to be a source of support and safety. I will undoubtedly say negative things about your mother (I don’t call her Former Mother IRL), but what I say will be true, and if I’m being unfair you should tell me. I will not trash your mother even if I want to, because I’m not trying to drive you apart, but I will never pretend that she was not an abuser. I am not trying to push you together any more than drive you apart.
If they end up restoring some of their relationship, even if it’s a low-contact one for possibly the rest of their lives, I’m not going to be angry about it. However, a month or two into this new life is too early.
We’ve called Former Mother out (to Goddaughter) on a number of unfair tactics she’s used to try to get Goddaughter to respond. As I mentioned, there have been just a few messages that are approaching boundary violations. I’m keeping an eye on things but Goddaughter seems to have a good approach.
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What have your discussions about vaping centered on? I can totally understand her wanting to keep it hidden, as if it were a moral failing and potential reason for being kicked out. I suppose I’d focus on the health risks nicotine (as well as the delivery mechanism) presents and offer help if she wants to quit as it is super addictive. Good luck, I think you are doing heroic work here.
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It was an off-the-cuff discussion while the two of us were driving, and I explained my own struggles with addiction and how pulling off a vape feels consequence-free, because a few puffs isn’t realistically going to give you cancer and it’s not going to get you addicted.
And it feels like the first time you buy a vape, it’s just for now, for a little bit. But you’re not addicted, it’s just a choice that you’re making. Same with the second one, you’re in control, and the fifth. Until at some point, the vape is making the purchase decision for you. You might not physically need one, but you want it and you’ll go out of your way to get one. You won’t feel right when you wake up and your vape battery is dead, you’ll want to go get one first thing when you leave the house.
In more of a conversation and less of a lecture, that’s what I got across. She told me that she had done it because of the parents catching cannabis thing mentioned above, but now she doesn’t.
She slipped up because she was on the phone with me walking back to the car late at night (our city is pretty safe but I’ll always stay on that call.) She mentioned sorry she didn’t respond to my text, she was just so busy that she was on her feet all day, she didn’t even take a break to vape - and she moved on. She has ADHD and her mouth often runs, I don’t think she even realized it.
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10% probability that her vape comment was intentionally edgy and flew over your head. On second thought, maybe just a 2% chance.
Because Goddaughter has her cardiovascular issues from dysautonomia/long COVID, she needs to get more exercise. It wouldn’t hurt me to move more, either.
Yesterday we went for a nice half-hour brisk walk and chatted, which was nice. She opens up more to me about serious stuff, where Partner plays more of the fun friend role. She opened up about her recent therapy sessions, and y’all I got pissed off.
The therapist is from a Christian clinic because that’s where her WASP parents sent her. The therapist was working on “what makes you valuable”, because the two of them identified that she feels fundamentally worthless and not good enough (go figure, Former Mother.) The therapist said it should be something that doesn’t rely on other people - then revealed that his source of self-worth was Jesus, and the nine-inch nails that pierced his hands on the cross.
Goddaughter saw my look and said she knows, she caught that, too. I try not to preach, but I couldn’t stop myself: “Goddaughter, I know why I’m valuable. There’s this guy. Nobody can see him, but he’s out there. He just doesn’t want you to see him, but he sees everything and knows everything and controls everything. Also, he died for a bit. You just have to trust me, he’s real. And that’s why I’m valuable!”
Anyway, we then talked about actual sources of self-value and how I feel about the same question. She’s planning to drop this therapist after year-end when her price would go up from $10 to a lot more until the deductible is met, but it might still be worth $10 for now. We’re going to get her a local therapist that isn’t Jesus-centric, at her request.
After that, we hooked her up to our Oculus for her first-ever VR experience. She played Superhot (a shooter) and all that motion got her heart rate up to 120. That’s very good - her body needs to retrain itself to decouple “stress” from the cardiovascular response “start pumping blood as fast as possible.” Obviously that happens to us all, but usually not 150 BPM at rest, which has happened while here.
For the near future, we have messages out to a local clinic specializing in rehab from long COVID. Hoping that can begin soon, whatever it means.
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Any local clinics that specialize in long abuse?
Also, church is free, but I see no benefits from that. Just like the internet: if you aren’t paying for a service, you are the product.
Former Mother is pushing extremely hard to meet with Goddaughter. Basically ignoring what Goddaughter says and responding, “So are we meeting you in [your city] or in [their town]?” They’ve spoken on the phone several times but have not seen each other in the past ~2 months.
Goddaughter had been seriously considering dropping by when she had to be in her hometown in a couple weeks. Now, she may not.
We also found out that FM was pissed that we didn’t thank her enough for her wedding gift to us.
Goddaughter also was telling me a couple of birthday gifts she gave to her mother.
Age 13: She got FM something small-ish because she didn’t have money. Mom was angry that the gift wasn’t expensive enough, because when FM was a kid she’d do odd jobs to earn extra money to give her parents expensive gifts.
Age 18: She had her first job and bought her mom some several-hundred-dollar piece of jewelry with the birthstones of her, her little sister, and of FM. FM wore it one time and never again, because she has more expensive and flashier jewelry.
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Age 21: hire someone to kick FM in the taint with a steel-toed boot.
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If she’s already met her deductible this year, wouldn’t someone she finds RIGHT NOW be only $10? She doesn’t need another religious nutjob in her life.
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Exactly my thought. It would be cheaper to shop around now vs later. And maybe by then she’d have a great therapist she could see less often than the one she sees now.
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That’s fair. Getting a new therapist isn’t a top priority, but might be something we tackle soon before college starts.
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After that piece if batshit advice they gave, I might bump it up the priority list because you don’t know whatever other nonsense she’s getting from them.
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Was talking with MIL a minute ago, who still talks to Former Mother.
After the two of them recently had their first and only video call, FM told MIL that Goddaughter’s arms were flabby and she needs to work out.
She is at most 120 pounds after recovering from the eating disorder FM gave her. Her size in part had me concerned she still had an eating disorder, for a while. We’re not going to tell her about this, but it’s reinforced our protectiveness.
FM also made what seems to be a veiled threat about taking away her health insurance for the upcoming year. Goddaughter is gently navigating that over text with our guidance - pointing out that she made a promise. We anticipate FM using this to try to force an in-person visit. She can certainly get a Marketplace plan at low cost, and Medicaid may be on the table (yet to research.) Dental will be like $8/month.
FM can get bent, the more she threatens the further her daughter gets. We continue to not actively push her away. It’s interesting to hear how much we’re the villain in FM’s story. Apparently we convinced Goddaughter to give up on her dream of musical theater. She only ever wanted to do as a hobby, but FM gave up her own dream of the same when she got married. We also turned Goddaughter against FM and are generally horrible people. 
Only harms her to be angry.
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Well you did, but for the better, and fuck her.
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Truly, throughout this my best-case reasonable hope was:
- FM probably will never admit ‘I was abusive’ but at least admits that she was wrong for being so overbearing.
- FM and Goddaughter maintain a line of communication
- Goddaughter still visits for things like Thanksgiving and Christmas and visits FM in the nursing home
FM is doing her damndest to ruin all of this. I won’t push Goddaughter back to an active abuser, but I’ve been doing my best to not actively be a wedge. I’m godsdamned furious about the “flabby arms” comment as it’s telling me that any “growth” she’s seeing from therapy is performative, and her abuse is only being abated by the distance. I don’t know if we’ll ever tell Goddaughter as I don’t want to trigger her body image/ED issues, but we have that option if repeating it is worthwhile.
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You are basically up against a family dynamic that has evolved into what you initially saw over a few decades.
I assume it goes something like this:
Father (controlling religious personality)
Mother (gets criticism from husband about her looks)
Mother feels bad about her own appearance (because of criticism from husband), so she takes these feelings out on her daughters. Picks at their looks constantly to make herself feel better (this is very, very damaging for young children over time).
Its unlikely FM will stop criticising her daughters appearance because the source of this impetus is driven by the criticisms about her own appearance via her husband.
This is a hard one because while goddaughter does need emotional distance from FM, FM is unlikely to give this to her due to her own dysfunctional behaviors.
If she can model herself on healthier people (like yourself & partner) that is a positive thing going forwards. It won’t solve the FM problem but it will give goddaughter more time to process things herself (the only way forward for her really). Given time, and some subtle interference from you so that FM doesn’t get her emotional claws deep into goddaughter again, the trajectory can improve as she is young and will meet other people at school/work as well.
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Yep, there are obviously more facets to the situation but I think you nailed one of the most deep-rooted lines of dysfunction.
Add in that FM wanted to pursue musical theater but “gave up her dream” to get married and have kids, so when Goddaughter showed significant talent and some interest in that field, it became “Goddaughter’s dream” and we’re going to summer camps and private voice tutors and you’re going to the college that Kristin Chenoweth went to and you’re rushing for the sorority she was in. For the sorority, Goddaughter rebelled and chose another, and FM is still upset about it.